


Holiday Spirits - A Tibbs Christmas Carol

by K8BNimble



Category: NCIS
Genre: Holidays, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-15
Updated: 2012-12-15
Packaged: 2017-11-21 05:07:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/593774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/K8BNimble/pseuds/K8BNimble
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jethro has been a Scrooge with his heart for too long and some of his past friends have had enough.  Done for the 2012 Tibbs_Yuletide Fest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Ghastly Visitor

**Author's Note:**

> Title: Holiday Spirits (A Tibbs Christmas Carol)  
> Author's Notes: This was done for the 2012 Tibbs_Yuletide fest. This trope has probably been done to death and I’m sure someone somewhere has already done a NCIS Christmas Carol but this is my take on it. Takes place after Sins of the Father. Also, I got this done way too late to be reviewed by a beta so all mistakes are my own. I apologize ahead of time for that.  
> Warnings: Some m/m sex but it’s fairly light. It’s pretty much making out and hand jobs. Sorry. Some adult language. There’s also a lot of talking for a certain functional mute. I also apologize if chapter 1 seems a little thinky and slow but it’s needed to set up Gibbs’ state of mind.  
> Spoilers: All shows up to Sins of the Father. Pretty much any major plots be spoiled here. Also, it helps if you know all of the episodes since there are a lot of very quick flashbacks.  
> Characters / Pairings: Gibbs/DiNozzo  
> Rating: (PG, PG-13, R or NC-17) R  
> Genre / Category: Romance, Holiday fluffiness, Hurt/Comfort  
> Word Count: About 23k. Yeah - it got a little out of control. Break out the spiked eggnog, sit back and read it while you drink. Then I can blame the typos and mistakes on your alcohol-impaired reading abilities.  
> Disclaimer: I don’t own NCIS, A Christmas Carol or It’s a Wonderful Life. I don’t make any money on this either. 
> 
> Additional author’s note: Beware of tenses! Since we have “Ghosts of Past, Present and Future”, flashbacks and flashforwards(?), there may be places I missed changing the tense appropriately. I hope not. Dialogue heard by characters in ‘visions’ has been italicized in the hopes it helps keep the ‘visions’ somewhat separated from Jethro’s ‘current’ experience.

 

****

 

**Holiday Spirits (A Tibbs Christmas Carol)**

_ Chapter 1: A Ghastly Visitor _

Jethro was dreaming fitfully.  He tossed and turned as he tried to find a comfortable position.  Several times he had half-woken up, plumped up the hard pillow and then nodded off again. The lumpy couch that served as his bed never left him feeling fully rested, but neither did sleeping in the guest room with its overly empty queen-sized mattress. He hated sleeping in it alone; it felt too large for just one person.  The master bedroom was also out of the question.  It had been left untouched since his last marriage. It didn’t feel right to have temporary lovers in it.  As odd it seemed, Jethro was a bit of a traditionalist.  In his own way, he considered the marriage bed sacred.             

He eventually sank deeper into sleep and his dreams were swarmed with images of Jenny Shepherd.  Memories of her flashed in random, fleeting glimpses, but somehow the memories were warped.  They sounded similar to conversations they’d actually had, but the meanings were completely different than he remembered.

_“Get your head into the bedroom, Jethro.”_

_“Some people need someone to love.”_

_“I never could read your mind.”_

_“Sometimes you can control the outcome.  Sometimes you have to look at the reality in front of you and change it.”_

_“We’re looking you.  At all of you.”_

The images of the past faded as he opened his eyes.  He found himself on the couch looking up at the ceiling.  There was movement out of the corner of his eyes and froze as he saw Jenny appear in the picture window above the couch.  She was looking in at him with an expression of accusation and sadness. She was pale and gaunt and looked ill.  If he didn’t already know she was dead, he’d suspect she was dying.  The night behind her was pitch black.  No street lights illuminated the neighborhood but the grey light that emanated from her allowed him to see the snow falling through her apparition. Jethro didn’t believe in ghosts but at that moment he doubted that belief.  She seemed quite real.

Her mouth was moving as if she was talking but he couldn’t hear her.  All he felt was an overwhelming sense of loss and loneliness as he watched her.  She was clearly distressed as she tried to communicate with him.   Her countenance became angry when Jethro didn’t respond.  Suddenly, she reached through the glass and tried to grab his throat.

He jerked awake. 

His heart was in his throat as he attempted to catch his breath and tried to make sense of what had happened.  He’d heard about people dreaming they were awake, but he had never experienced it before.  It left him feeling disoriented.

The clock chimed midnight.  He looked warily out of the window as if he expected Jenny to be standing there but there was no one outside. The street lights were on and he noticed the snow was beginning to pile up.  He guessed there would be at least a few inches on the ground by dawn.

He wiped the afterimage of Jenny away from his eyes and got up.  He glanced at the Christmas tree he had put up in the event his father had decided to make a last minute visit.  He hadn’t and the tree now irritated Jethro. He hated the reminder of a holiday that meant little to him.  He’d chosen to leave it up in case Tony visited on Christmas Eve as he usually did.  This was the first time in a number of years that Jethro doubted Tony would come, but it had become a tradition so he was going to keep his door open for the young man. 

If he did visit, it would be the first year Tony would see a tree at Jethro’s house that Jackson had not put up.  He wondered idly how the man would respond.  ‘Probably a quote from _It’s a Wonderful Life_ or some other old holiday movie,’Jethro thought.  He laughed to himself.  ‘Themore appropriate movie would be _A Christmas Carol_.’ He knew Tony would wonder what made Jethro ‘Scrooge’ put up a tree. 

Scrooge.  That’s how Jethro felt at times: an old, bitter man. 

“Well…I’m mortal, and liable to fall,”he muttered aloud, remembering a quote from the 1951 version of the film.Jethro chuckled thinking of how Tony would have gotten a kick had he heard Jethro actually quoting a movie.

A small draft chilled him and he looked around, still spooked from his dream.  Maybe Jenny was his own Marley coming to warn him. 

Being reminded of her focused his thoughts back to Jenny.  Not that he was one to dwell but he hadn’t thought of her in some time.  He felt odd he hadn’t mourned her more.  He knew she had made her choices but her choices had affected everyone around her.  She had been her own kind of Scrooge; as selfish in death as she had been in life.  Tony had taken the brunt of both.

Jenny was dead. Of that, there was no doubt.  It had been several years since Jethro had dealt with the consequences.  He wondered why she was on his mind.  He could think of no recent cases that were similar nor did he recall seeing anyone that resembled her.  He rarely dreamed and when he did, he rarely remembered much about them.  He didn’t understand why this one was hanging on.  He avoided looking out of the window again in case she reappeared.

He considered going to the basement to work on his latest project but it held no appeal.  He found himself a touch restless but not energized enough to actually do anything.  Instead, he wandered into the kitchen to make some tea. Like dreams, he also rarely had tea but it was too late for coffee.  He cheated and used the bags Tony had left in the cabinets instead of properly brewing a pot in accordance to Ducky’s instructions.  Jethro had no patience for it. 

He found yesterday’s paper and sat down at the table.  He absently dunked the tea bag as he stared at the Sports section. He was looking at it, but not really seeing it.  His mind kept floating back to Jenny.

Actually, his thoughts weren’t of Jenny herself but of the fallout of her actions.  The team had been disbanded: McGee to the basement, Ziva to Israel and Tony exiled as an Agent Afloat.  Jethro had been handed an inexperienced team that turned out to not only be ineffective but under suspicion for treason.  It has been one of the most difficult times in his NCIS career.  Jethro’s life had been turned upside down as he trained agents he didn’t want while he worried about his A-Team.  McGee, at least, had stayed in D.C. and in touch with Abby, but Jethro had felt it was a step backwards in the promising young man’s career.  Ziva was used to being reassigned but it had been a step backwards for her emotionally.  She had been finally settling into the NCIS family.  To be told she wasn’t wanted or needed was a blow to her.  But of all of them, Jethro had worried most about Tony.  Being sent off as an Agent Afloat where he had no friends or support system certainly felt like punishment to Jethro. 

Jethro wasn’t sure why Tony hadn’t resigned the moment Vance gave him his new orders.  He wasn’t military. Tony had had every right to quit and yet he stayed and took an assignment he had no desire to do.  He’d left his previous jobs for lesser reasons. Jethro had been waiting for the call that would have notified him that Tony had left the agency. Jethro wouldn’t have been able to blame him.  It would have been Jenny’s fault for putting Tony in the position of betraying his Director’s orders or betraying his protection detail.  Either decision would have been catastrophic for the man.  If he had ignored his orders, Jenny would had reprimanded him or possibly even fired him for insubordination.  Following her orders had gotten her killed.  Jethro found he had little remorse about not grieving for her.

So Jenny was most certainly dead.  Mostly when he remembered her now, his thoughts turned to Tony.  He had had to watch as Tony blamed himself for her death.  It had shaken his confidence and Jethro hadn’t known how to reassure him it hadn’t been his fault.  Tony took it as a sign of Jethro’s continuing disapproval that he had been last to be returned to the team.  There had been no way for Tony to know that Jethro had fought for him the hardest. It had been Vance that had been determined to keep Tony where he was.   

The thought of Jenny’s death brought those feelings back; feelings of loss, destruction and abandonment.  She hadn’t confided in him.  She had taken his team away in more ways than one.  She had even managed to taint the more positive memories he had had of her during their earlier partnership when he had realized how much she had used him as she climbed her way to the top.  The fact she regretted it later didn’t change anything.

Jethro had always found it hard to trust people and he found it harder since her betrayal.  Particularly lately, he was finding it hard to even be civil to anyone.  He blamed his irritability on the lack of decent sleep, the holidays which always wore on him and the recent events with Tony’s father.  DiNozzo, Sr. bothered Jethro.  He couldn’t understand how Tony could continue to hope for reconciliation or forgive Senior so easily.  Jethro suspected their issues were far deeper than anyone knew.  He would never be able to forgive the man for the neglect he subjected Tony to his entire life but he attempted to tolerate Senior for Tony’s sake. Tony was one of the few people who tolerated Jethro’s temper.      

Most other people ignored or avoided Jethro when they could.  Few asked him how he was or requested he spend time with them.  Abby visited rarely and neither McGee nor Ziva came to the house on their own or without reason.  If they called, it was because they needed him.  Only Tony and Fornell braved the lion’s den on a regular basis to just see how Jethro was. 

Jethro didn’t mind. He actually liked to be alone. It made it easy to keep people at a distance so it wouldn’t hurt when he lost them like he had with Mike…with Kate…with Shannon and Kelly.  He couldn’t bear to lose anyone else close so he kept them away and closed himself off as best he could. 

He focused on his job and saving other people’s families so he didn’t have time to think about his own loneliness.  The holidays made that more difficult.  Usually he spent some part of it with his work family but it wasn’t the same as a real family.  He knew he was someone for Ducky to share some Christmas goose with, someone for Abby to spoil if she couldn’t be with her brother, someone for Ziva to discuss her family traditions with or someone for Tony to be with just so he didn’t have to be alone.  While he appreciated the company, he also wished he were their first choice as a holiday companion, not their last hope for one.        

This year he wasn’t expecting anyone to visit.  Ducky had made plans to travel for a change and Abby, Ziva and Tim had all been able to go home. He suspected Tony would spend it with his newly repentant father. Tony hadn’t said anything specific about it but neither had he asked Jethro when he wanted Tony to come over.  It would be the first time in years that he and his second hadn’t spent some portion of the holiday together.  He tried to ignore the disappointment he felt at the thought of not having Tony with him for Christmas.

He still had mixed feelings about his role in reuniting Tony and his father.  Senior clearly didn’t deserve a son like Tony but Tony just as clearly needed a father that was good to him.  Jethro was half afraid Tony had been seeing him that way over the years.  That was last thing Jethro wanted even when he sometimes found himself slipping into the role.  He didn’t know what he wanted to be to Tony since he knew it was more than just being his boss, but he knew for sure he didn’t want to be a substitute father. Fathers eventually left their kids to their own lives.  He never wanted to have Tony not be in his life in some capacity even if he knew it would happen eventually.  Tony couldn’t stay on Jethro’s team forever. Tony deserved his own team. He deserved his own life, as all his agents did, but somehow Jethro couldn’t see himself doing the job without his senior agent by his side.        

He shook his head.  How did his remembrances about Jenny turn to Tony once again?  How did most of Jethro’s thoughts turn to Tony at some point?

He needed to stop.  For some reason he cared more for Tony than his other agents and it wasn’t fair to the team. He knew that sometimes went overboard trying to prove he didn’t feel that way. It wasn’t just that they’d been together longer.  There was something about Tony that pulled at Jethro.  As hard as Jethro tried to keep people at bay, Tony had found a way get under Jethro’s skin.

He finished his tea and went back to the couch.  He turned the TV back on in the hopes it would distract him from his thoughts but it took a long time for sleep to find him.

 


	2. A Lack of Holiday Spirit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t own NCIS, A Christmas Carol or It’s a Wonderful Life. I don’t make any money on this either.

**Holiday Spirits (A Tibbs Christmas Carol)**

 

_ Chapter 2 – A Lack of Holiday Spirit _

It was cold and blustery outside. There had been more snow than Jethro had expected.  It must have started falling faster after he had drifted back to sleep.  The snow had closed all of the schools and many businesses.  Jethro had been surprised to find the coffee shop open but apparently the owner lived above the shop.  He picked up an extra cup as he did not plan to go back out until the end of the day. 

The MCRT team was off rotation this holiday which was why the most of the team had been able to travel.  Jethro found he didn’t want to sit around an empty house all day so he came in to keep busy.  He expected to be alone in the bullpen to go through cold cases and paperwork.  It was a good way to keep his mind off of his disturbing dreams and the persistent thoughts of Tony that kept creeping into his head.

After about an hour of concentrating on a cold case that Pacci had started years ago, he almost spit out the sip of coffee he had in his mouth when he heard a loud, cheery voice yell, “Merry Christmas, Agent Gibbs!”

Jethro looked up to see Jimmy Palmer wearing a green hat with a red ball on the top of it.  He also had on the ugliest Christmas sweater Jethro had ever seen.  

“To you too, Palmer.  Thought you’d be off today with that girl of yours,” Jethro said.

“Breena’s making her first holiday meal for both sets of our parents and wanted me out of the way.”  Jimmy blushed as he laughed. “I think she’s afraid I’d drop the turkey.  I needed a way to kill some time so I thought I’d finish the inventory.”  

“Sounds nice,” Jethro replied half-heartedly.  He liked Jimmy well enough.  He just wasn’t in the right frame of mind for chit chat.

“Here’s a present for you.” Jimmy held out a small wrapped box.  “I didn’t really know what to get you so Breena helped.  She loves shopping.  She could have been one of Santa’s elves.  I hoped you liked it.  I’m never really sure…”

“That’s thoughtful of you but you shouldn’t have,” Jethro said interrupting him.  He’d already had enough of Jimmy’s holiday cheerfulness.    

“Oh – it’s nothing really…just a tea infuser mug.  Dr. Mallard said he’d finally shown you the proper way to brew tea.  Breena found it online.”

Jethro took a deep breath to prevent himself from saying something sarcastic as he took the box from him.  He doubted he ever used a tea infuser. Jimmy was completely into the holiday spirit and had that annoying joie de vivre that all new couples had when they were in love.  It wasn’t his fault that Jethro was in no mood to be able to tolerate it.

Just then the elevator dinged and Jethro looked up to see a snow-covered Tony walking in.  He ignored how his heart skipped a beat as he saw Tony’s face, flushed from the cold.  The bright grin warmed Jethro unexpectedly.  He didn’t think he’d see Tony in the office that day.

“HO HO HO!!” Tony greeted the almost empty bullpen loudly.  “Oh ho! Autopsy Gremlin, are you delivering coal to all the bad little NCIS agents?”  Tony winked at the young man who blushed furiously.  

“Tony!  I thought you weren’t coming in.” Jimmy seemed inordinately pleased to see Tony.   

“Plans changed.  Breakfast was…postponed, shall we say.  Since I was already out in the weather, I thought I’d come in.  Criminals never take a holiday, isn’t that right, Boss?”

Jethro realized he meant his father had stood him up once again but, as usual, Tony was hiding his disappointment under a happy façade.  Tony had several bags in his hands which he sat down on his desk before beginning to remove his dark wool coat and leather gloves.  Jethro had to hide a smirk as he watched Tony shake his head like a dog removing snow from his fur. 

Tony was wearing an expensive, well-cut suit.  He must have been hoping to impress his father.  Jethro preferred Tony in more casual clothes like jeans and a dark turtle neck.  Not so much because of how he looked but because of what it meant.  A suit meant Tony felt the need for some kind of armor because he felt insecure.  Senior’s presence was once again making Tony feeling vulnerable and Jethro didn’t like that.  “You could have done something else, DiNozzo.  Kind of slow in here today,” Jethro said.  

“What – and miss the instant hot cocoa that’s available to warm up with?  I even brought real marshmallows!”  Tony pulled a package of multi-colored miniature marshmallows out of the bag.

“Ooh – I love those,” Jimmy said excitedly.

“I know you do.  Thought of you as soon as I saw them.” Tony said.  “I was going to leave them downstairs for you but seeing as you’re here, let’s break into them.”  Tony and Jimmy looked at each other in gleeful anticipation.

Jethro looked between them and suddenly wondered about their relationship.  He’d heard that they had become friends when he was in Mexico. He also vaguely remembered Jimmy mentioning that the two of them had taken dancing lessons.  Could that be right?  Did Tony dance?  He felt a surge of what he refused to call jealousy go through him.  How much did Jimmy and Tony know about each other?  Did Tony know more about Jimmy than he did about him?  Jethro didn’t like the idea of them spending time together. It made him feel itchy and he didn’t know why. Jimmy was with Breena and he was totally straight, as was Tony, right?  Jethro shook his head.  Why on earth was he even having a thought like this?  It was making him uncomfortable.

Tony looked over at Jethro.  “How about you, Boss?  Do you like marshmallows in your cocoa?”

“What do you think?” Jethro said a little testier than he had planned.

“Right.  No marshmallows or cocoa for you, then,'' Tony said looking at Jethro oddly. 

“I’ll go make it, Tony,” Jimmy offered, looking into the bag and pulling out the instant cocoa box.  “By the way, we’re going to have a game night on Tuesday if you want to come.  You can bring your Dad if you like.”  Jimmy sounded eager to have Tony participate.  “Breena thinks she can totally beat you at Apples to Apples this time.”

Jethro looked up to see how pleased Tony looked at being invited and his heart felt like it was being constricted. “Don’t you have some work you need to be doing, Palmer?” Jethro snapped. He cringed at the tone in his voice.  He hadn’t meant to sound so sharp.  He wondered how he could go from pleasantly amused to irritated by Palmer in the space of a couple of minutes. 

Jimmy visibly deflated.  “Yeah, I guess I can go do that inventory.”  

Tony handed the bag of marshmallows to Jimmy.  “Here, take them.  I’ll talk to you later.  Don’t think Dad will be making it but I’ll plan to be there.” His voice was quiet and Jethro had to strain to hear him.  Seeing Jimmy deflated made Jethro feel as if he’d kicked a puppy. He wouldn’t break Rule 6 for the man but he needed to say something.  “Hey, Palmer?”

Jimmy hesitated and looked at him questioningly.

“Thanks for the gift and…Merry Christmas, Jimmy.”  Jethro tried to sound pleasant.  

“You too, Agent Gibbs.” Jimmy seemed a little buoyed by the effort Jethro had made.  His smile was back in place, if not as broad and genuine as before.

“Boss?'' Tony asked after Jimmy left, “Everything okay?” 

“Why wouldn’t it be?” Jethro asked.  He was going to ignore the seesaw his emotions seemed to be riding.  ‘It was the holidays’, he reminded himself.  They always made him cranky.

Tony walked over to Jethro’s desk and sat a brightly and badly wrapped present down on it.  

Jethro’s heart sank.  If Tony was giving him his present now, it definitely meant he was not coming over that evening.  Jethro would spend Christmas Eve alone because Tony preferred spending time with a father that had neglected him his entire life over him.  

“Here, I thought you’d like this.  It’s your very own copy of _It’s a Wonderful Life_.” Tony was grinning at him.  “I thought you’d like to watch it tonight…”

Something in Jethro snapped.  “You thought what?  That I’d want to carry on the infamous ‘DiNozzo’ family tradition?!  Some family, Tony.  Your dad stood you up again?  Shocking.  No matter how many times you watch that thing, it will never make up for the fact that your ‘family’ doesn’t seem to give a damn about you but you keep chasing your own tail after it.  A movie is a piss poor substitute for a real family.  Keep it. Much good may it do you. Much good it has ever done you!'' 

Tony looked as if he had been slapped and his face paled as he backed away. “Er…I guess you’re right.  You’re not really a movie fan.  It was a dumb idea.  I’ll just…um…maybe I’ll donate it somewhere.  I’m going to the head.”  He sped out of the bullpen.

Jethro felt horrible.  He hated seeing Tony like that and hated it more that he was the cause.  How could he have gone off like that?  What was wrong with him?  He hit Tony right where he knew it would hurt him most.  “Tony?  I…,” he called out after his retreating agent.

The phone rang.  He would have ignored it, but it was Vance.  “Gibbs,” he answered curtly.

“Merry Christmas to you, too,” Vance responded, sarcasm dripping in his voice.

Jethro rubbed his forehead trying to stave off a headache.  “Director?” Jethro asked, “I thought you were taking a few days off?”  Jethro could hear Vance’s kids laughing in the background.  It soured his mood even more.

“I was but I just got a call.  A petty officer’s child has been kidnapped.  The on-call team is tied up on another case.  Can you take the lead?  Call in whoever you need.”

“DiNozzo’s already here.  I’ll take him.”

“How about the others?”

“McGee and Ziva are out of town.”

“You can call Balboa.  I think he’s around,” Vance suggested.  

“I will if I have to but you know Tony and I manned the MCRT team for over a year with just the two of us.  I think we can handle it.”  Jethro hated it when anyone suggested Tony wasn’t enough back-up for Jethro.  Tony had had Jethro’s six for far longer than any other agent and he trusted Tony with his life.

“Do what you need to,” Vance conceded.  “Write this down.”

Jethro took all the information down that Vance had given him and hung up.  He grabbed his and Tony’s bags as well as Tony’s coat and gloves.  He went in search of the other man and found him rinsing his face in the men’s room.  

“Come on, Tony.  We have a case.”  Jethro considered apologizing but he didn’t know where to start.  He also knew that once he started, he might not be able to stop and they had a little girl to find.

“Okay.”  Tony dried his face.  

Jethro handed him his coat.  Tony shrugged it on and took his gloves as he walked past Jethro without saying another word.  He went by close enough for Jethro to smell his cologne.  Jethro turned his face to take a deep breath to enjoy the scent and noticed the discarded dvd in the trash.  He pulled it out and shoved it into his bag with a grimace.  He would have to break Rule 6 later with Tony but for now they had to focus on finding Missy Johnson.


	3. A Past That Haunts Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t own NCIS, A Christmas Carol or It’s a Wonderful Life. I don’t make any money on this either. 
> 
> AN: Now let the real hauntings begin!!

**Holiday Spirits (A Tibbs Christmas Carol)**

 

_ Chapter 3 – A Past That Haunts Him _

Jethro was sitting in the dark with the exception of the flickering TV he’d left on and the streetlight coming in the window.  There was a half-empty bottle of bourbon on the coffee table surrounded by old photographs he’d dug out before putting in the movie that he had retrieved from the men’s room trash can. 

He could watch dvds now. A few months ago, Tony had given Jethro his old TV and dvd player when he had bought himself a bigger plasma and a Blu-ray.  Jethro had grudgingly accepted it and, even more grudgingly, had learned how to use it.

He wasn’t sure why he had put the movie on as he wasn’t been paying attention to it.  Instead, he was wallowing.  He knew it but he couldn’t seem to break himself out of it.  He had taken quite a few nips but wasn’t drunk enough to make the day disappear.  It had been a long and , exhausting, fraught with tension between Tony and him as they worked the case.  In the end they had reunited a family. He should be feeling warm and fuzzy. 

Instead, he couldn’t stop thinking about how Tony had left.  His father had called to summon him to dinner and Tony had been like an excited ten-year old.  As soon as they had delivered Missy Johnson to her home, Tony had asked Jethro if he wrap up the report the next day.  Jethro knew Tony was willing to work on Christmas Day for a chance to have dinner with his father. The worried look on Tony’s face told him he expected Jethro to refuse his request.  As much as he wanted to keep Tony with him under any excuse, Jethro couldn’t bear to see the look of disappointment he had seen earlier.  He left Tony go with a wistful, “Go.  Have a Merry Christmas, Tony.” 

“You too, Boss!” Tony seemed to have forgiven him his earlier outburst. 

The smile that had lit up Tony’s face was worth it.  Jethro loved seeing Tony when he was truly happy.  But this time it crushed him as well.  He knew that smile wasn’t really for him but for his father. And he was left alone again.

A car horn outside pulled his attention back to the present.  He looked up to see the movie was still playing. The volume was set so low he could barely hear it.  He realized that the movie must have restarted as it was near the beginning of the film but it seemed very late.  Had he fallen asleep?  All he remembered was staring at the ceiling as he drank from the bottle.

To Jethro’s astonishment the grandfather clock chimed midnight.  He looked around finding it hard to believe he had slept for four straight hours.  He was about to get up to go get some water when a figure in the corner of the room startled him. 

“Who are you?” Jethro asked.  The air in the room chilled and a shiver went through him. 

“So Probie…sitting in the dark and drinking alone?  What kind of asinine way is that to spend Christmas Eve?”

“Mike?” asked Jethro, recognizing the deep, gravelly voice and the familiar scent of Mike’s favored Marlboro Menthols filling the room.

“Who else would come to see your sorry ass while you’re like this?”  Mike stepped forward into the dim light.  He looked much the same as Jethro remembered him.

“I must be dreaming again,” Jethro said as he looked around.

“Or maybe I’m the Ghost of Christmas Past,'' Mike laughed and took a deep drag off the cigarette he held in his left hand.  The smoke created a sort of odd glow around Mike’s face.  He seemed almost translucent.

Jethro stared at him incredulously.

“Just kidding,” Mike said.     

“I saw Jenny last night,” Jethro said, hesitantly. He shook his head and then muttered to himself, “I must be losing my mind.  First Jenny visits, then you show up?”

Mike picked up the half-empty bottle of Fighting Cock bourbon that had been on the table.  Reading the label, he laughed. “Interesting choice, Probie.  Some might say apropos.”  He then sniffed at it and winced.  “108 proof?  Well, I guess drinking too much of that crap would cause anyone to see spirits.  They say it takes spirits to see spirits.” He seemed amused with himself.

“Why are you here?” Jethro asked, closing his eyes trying to decide if he wanted Mike to answer or not.

“Your welfare?'' Mike offered with a hint of amusement in his voice.

Jethro opened his eyes and looked at him doubtfully.  He couldn’t help but think that a solid night of sleep would be more helpful in that regard. He needed to reconsider his sleeping arrangements.

Mike held out a hand. “Rise and walk with me!” he said dramatically. “I’ve always wanted to say that.”  Mike laughed.  When Jethro stayed where he was, Mike sat down next to him on the couch.  “Or we can stay here.  No matter.” Mike picked up a photo from the table, “What’s this, Probie?  Looks like you’re tripping down memory lane again.  Haven’t you lost too much already by going down this road?” he asked, sounding disappointed.

Jethro had pulled out photos from the last Christmas he had spent with Shannon and Kelly.  It was in 1990 before he had redeployed and just two months before their deaths.  

Several photos showed an overly decorated tree covered with the handmade ornaments Kelly made in school and Shannon’s Santa ornaments which she had collected over the years.  The woman had loved the holidays.  The tree now in the room had none of those ornaments.  It was sparsely decorated with the few ornaments his father had brought from Stillwater two years ago.

The photo Mike held showed a grinning Kelly with a gap in her smile where her tooth had fallen out. She was standing in front of a large white dollhouse. 

“Nice dollhouse. Yours?” Mike asked.

“I made it for Kelly,” Jethro said as he looked over at the photo Mike held.  The dollhouse was decorated with intricate details and handmade furniture. “She was so happy when she saw it, I thought she’d never stop smiling.  As much as she was a tomboy and loved playing baseball with her dad, she loved playing with her dolls more.”  Jethro felt a single tear roll down his cheek.  He remembered Shannon’s complaints about how much time he had spent in the basement as he had worked on it, but Kelly’s joy had made it worthwhile.

“Where is it now?'' Mike asked. “Burn it like you did the boats?”

“Up in the attic.  Couldn’t destroy it; it was Kelly’s,” Jethro whispered.  “Strange.  I forgot I still had it.''  He hadn’t seen it in years.  He’d taken it upstairs, shoved it into a corner and covered it with a sheet.

“You hid it away like you did with all of their memories.  Hid them from yourself and everyone who cares about you.”  Mike placed the photo back down on the table and looked around the room.  “There’s not a single framed photo of them out here.  Where’d you have to go to dig these out?” 

“People know about them,” Jethro argued.  He didn’t want to admit he had to bring the photos up from the basement.

Mike raised an eyebrow, clearly disagreeing with Jethro’s assessment.  “They know the facts of them, not the heart of them.  If it wasn’t for that explosion, they wouldn’t even know that much.  How long were you planning to keep them buried?”

“They were mine!  No else had a right to them,” Jethro shouted.  Mike had hit a nerve.  Jethro hated when anyone discussed Shannon and Kelly.

“So you hoarded them until they used up so much space inside that you had no room for anyone else.  Until you let them go, there never will be.”  Mike paused and then leaned forward.  “Memories cannot keep you warm at night, Probie.  They can’t share your joy or your pain.  There’s nowhere to go with these photos but backwards.”

Jethro shifted uncomfortably.  “I’ve tried to replace her.  It never worked.  It wasn’t the same.” 

“Because you can’t replace her!” Mike stood up in frustration.  “You are looking for the wrong thing.  You can’t replace people.  That’s what makes them special.”

“Then what the hell are you talking about?” Jethro stood up, running his hands through his hair, feeling as frustrated as Mike looked. “Isn’t that what you’re here about?  To tell me to get my head out of my ass and find a new Shannon?”

“Well, at least you know where your head is at now so that’ll save some time,” Mike said.  He sat back down on the couch and leaned back. 

Jethro waited for him to continue.

After a moment, Mike took a deep breath and sat up to focus on Jethro. “You don’t need a new Shannon.  I’m talking about finding someone who can share your pain and your joy. Someone who understands and accepts you for who you are now, not who you were then, because Probie, you ain’t the same person.  Can’t remember who said it – some fancy philosopher I guess - but the crux is this:  the same man can’t step into the same river twice; the second time, he ain’t the same man and it ain’t the same river.  And you, Probie, are in Denial River big time.”

“Very deep, Mike,” Jethro retorted and flopped into the green side chair. “I’m denying nothing.  There’s nothing to deny.  There’s no one who could mean what Shannon and Kelly meant to me.”

“They don’t have to mean the same thing. No two people ever mean the same thing to anyone.  Just gotta be important.  Love is important and it ain’t ever the same twice.  Doesn’t mean it don’t happen.”

Gibbs laughed sadly. “Mike, you’re a heck of a person to tell me about love.”

“I might not have gone for any of that romantic pap swill Hallmark sells, it don’t mean I didn’t care about people.  Hell, I’m here, ain’t I? You must mean something to me.”  Mike scratched his forehead as if he were still trying to figure out what that was.

Jethro laid his head back on the chair and stared at the ceiling.  “It might mean you are just some old steak and one too many glasses of bourbon.”

“Great. I’ve been reduced to indigestion and a hangover.  Why do I bother?” Mike took another deep inhalation of his cigarette. 

Jethro sat back up and looked at Mike.  “Look.  I appreciate the sentiment but there’s no one like that in my life.  There’s no one I love or loves me back.  Nor is there anyone I could love like that.”  He closed his eyes for a second and struggled to swallow the lie.

Jethro’s eyes flew open in shock at the smack on the back of his head.  How had Mike moved that fast?  He was now on the arm of the chair next to Jethro.

“Are you really that willfully blind or are you just stupid?” Mike asked.  He reached into his pocket and pulled something out.  He handed it to Jethro.  It was an old Polaroid. It looked somewhat familiar but it wasn’t his photograph.  In the dark, it was hard to make the image out.

“Who’s this?” Jethro stood and walked over to the couch so he could use the streetlight to illuminate the image.  He didn’t even consider turning a lamp on.  There was a handsome young man in sweats sitting by a window filled with falling snow.  In the background was a sadly decorated tree with nothing underneath it.  His face was in profile and he looked remarkably sad. 

“The school was not quite deserted,'' said Mike. “There was someone neglected by his parents his entire life and left there for yet another holiday.  He’d been waiting too long for his father to arrive when someone snapped this shot of him.”    

Jethro held it up so more light shone on it.  He finally remembered the photo.  He had seen it at Tony’s place when he and McGee had gone to pick up some things for him as Tony recovered from the plague at Jethro’s house.  The photo had been stuck in a drawer and Jethro had seen it as he gathered Tony’s clothes.  He didn’t know what it had meant at the time but he remembered how beautifully sad he had thought Tony looked in it.  He had quickly pocketed it when McGee had walked into the room.

Now Jethro looked closer at the picture. “Senior never showed up,” Jethro explained to Mike.  “Tony told me about it after…well…” He couldn’t finish it saying it.  The thought of how close he’d come to losing Tony choked him up.  “Tony always shares more when he’s on painkillers,” Jethro said instead.

_“He had some last minute business in Bali.  Couldn’t make it and I had already missed going to Steve’s parent’s for the holidays.  At least I got my work done early and had plenty of time for New Year’s partying,” Tony had explained in a slurred voice and a sad smile. Jethro had seen the pain on Tony’s face at the reminder of another disappointment.  That was the first year Jethro had asked Tony to stay for Christmas.  He never wanted his Second to not have somewhere to go._

“Did you think less of him when he shared those memories with you?” Mike asked, breaking Jethro out of his recollection of that conversation.

“Of course not,” Jethro replied.  Jethro appreciated any time Tony was willing to share a part of his life.

“Then why would you think he would not understand your loss or think less of you for sharing it?”

Jethro had no answer. “I’m not sure I’m getting your point, Mike.  So you’re saying I should what – tell Tony about my relationship with Shannon?  That somehow if I spill everything to him, it will somehow free me to find the right woman?”

Mike rolled his eyes.  “You’re a couple pickles shy of a barrel, ain’t ya?”

Jethro stared at him in complete bafflement.  He really didn’t get where Mike was going with this.  He felt like he should but that something was blocking his ability to get the point.

Mike reached into his other pocket and pulled out another, even older photograph.  “You remember this?”

Jethro felt the blood drain from his head as he saw the picture.  He dropped it immediately and it fell on the coffee table.  “Where in the hell did you get this?  I’ve never told anyone about this.”

“No, you didn’t. You buried this memory right along with all the others.  You buried it so deep, you forgot all about it.” 

Jethro stared down at the image of someone that had haunted him a long time. It had been one of the most important turning points in Jethro’s life and he had tried his damndest to forget it.  He almost had.

Mike coughed which got Jethro’s attention.

“You ever wonder why you were so drawn to Shannon just as you were running out of town?” Mike asked as he picked the photo up again and gazed at it.

“She…I liked her.  She was easy to get along with. She was caring,” Jethro answered cautiously, suspicious of the change in topic.

“And she wasn’t a boy, was she?  She wasn’t someone you were almost caught necking with behind the old Manheim Gas Station by those boys that picked on you so much.  She was an easy way to avoid having to go out with the guys in your unit to pick up girls ‘cause you had one at home.”

“I loved her!” Jethro yelled. He felt his hackles rise.  He didn’t like where Mike was going with this. 

“Never said you didn’t.  She was just the easier of two choices.  You grew to love her, in a way.  You idealized her.  It was easy, wasn’t it?  You were gone so much it was easy to create someone that wasn’t quite real. Someone that no other woman could live up to.” 

Jethro could tell Mike was baiting him.  He was trying hard not to respond but felt his fists clenching in anger.

Mike blew smoke into Jethro’s face.  “Was Shannon ever near as perfect as you made her out to be?”

“Get out!!” Jethro was livid.  His face flushed with anger.  How dare Mike insinuate he had used Shannon to hide his own…weakness.  He had loved her.  He had!  That other thing was a ...fluke, a flaw…a mistake.

“Well, my time’s almost up anyways,'' Mike said as he glanced at the clock.  “You need to get your head screwed on right.  I can’t keep coming back like this to fix your messes.”  Mike dropped the cigarette onto the floor and squashed it with his foot.  Jethro could smell the smoke burning carpet fiber.

In irritation, Jethro snapped, “My messes!  How is this my fault?”

“Your jealousy is about to end you.  Your jealousy and your cowardice to admit the truth.”

“What truth?” Jethro knew he was fighting a losing battle but he was going to hang on to his version of reality as long as he could.  He didn’t know how to exist otherwise.

“Don’t you deny it,” Mike spat when Jethro was about to protest further.  “You remember how you felt when Kate stayed with Tony when he was ill.  You realized she finally saw Tony for who he really was and not the damn mask he wore.  You were afraid of her.  Afraid she would finally offer and Tony would accept. You were jealous, weren’t you?”

“Jealous of Tony?  No, I wasn’t. I was never interested in Kate.” Jethro felt a lump in his throat. It was similar to the time Abby had wanted to confront him about Pedro Hernandez.  He knew he had been caught but he hadn’t been ready to come clean.  This had that same sense of impending doom.  Jethro knew something was about to dramatically alter his life and he wasn’t ready for it to change.

Mike waved his arms in impatience.  “I wasn’t talking about Kate.  When are you going to fess up that you’ve had your eye on that boy since Baltimore.  You’ve just had your head too far up your ass to admit it.”

Mike picked up the photo and threw it back at Jethro. It landed in Jethro’s lap.

Jethro looked down and saw the image of him and his best friend, John Merits, smiling with their arms thrown around each other's shoulders.  He remembered the attractive teenager with a pang.  It was about the last time he had ever felt completely carefree.  John was the first and only boy he’d ever kissed.  The few girls he had kissed had never done much for him.  He had just figured it was the small town they lived in which every girl was like your sister because you’d known them for so long.  Then he’d been so surprised he’d been so drawn to John, his best friend.  He had kissed John and John had allowed it for about a minute before pushing him away, disgusted. John promised to never tell anyone but he had stated he never wanted to see or talk to Leroy ever again.

So that’s when ‘Leroy’ disappeared.  Jethro ran, vowing to ignore those impulses that drew him physically towards men.  He pretended those urges didn’t exist.  When he heard that John had died several years later, he acted as if he never knew him when made love to Shannon that night.  He also pretended he didn’t turn her over and take her from behind in the dark, imagining someone else in her stead for the first and only time in their marriage.

His knees buckled as those memories threatened to swallow him and force him to see the truth about himself.  A truth he’d denied for so long that he almost believed the lie he had replaced it with.  He collapsed onto the sofa, almost weak from the revelations. 

The TV flickered.  _It’s a Wonderful Life_ was continuing to play without Jethro paying attention to it. 

Clarence, the angel, said, _“You'll see a lot of strange things from now on.”_

Jethro looked at the screen and wondered if Clarence was talking to him or to George Bailey.  He closed his eyes trying to shove the memories back into their previous hiding places, but they were refusing to be locked up again. 

After a while, he gave up and opened his eyes. Mike was gone.  Not even the stench of the cigarette smoke that permeated the air around Mike lingered.  Jethro began to think that maybe had drunk more bourbon that he realized.


	4. A Ghostly Present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t own NCIS, A Christmas Carol or It’s a Wonderful Life. I don’t make any money on this either.

**Holiday Spirits (A Tibbs Christmas Carol)**

 

_ Chapter 4 – A Ghostly Present _

Jethro heard the clock chime again.  He was confused when it chimed more than once.  Had Mike’s visit lasted longer than an hour?

It kept chiming – ten more chimes for a total of twelve.  He looked up to see if he was imagining it, but no, he wasn’t.  The clock indicated it was midnight, again.  He glanced at the TV and noticed the movie had shifted scenes. George Bailey was back on that bridge.  Feeling a hard a lump under his left thigh, he reached under and pulled out the remote. He sat it on the coffee table.

“I think I’m glad I’m dead,” a familiar voice said, causing Jethro to jump. 

He looked around for the source of the voice and realized it was coming from the TV.  Blinking in confusion, Jethro saw Kate standing next to George as he looked over the bridge. 

“I can’t think of any scenario where Tony and I would have gotten together.” Kate had that disgusted look that she got whenever she had spoken about Tony’s antics with women.  “How could you have completely misread our relationship?  How could you have misread him so much?”

Jethro shrugged his shoulders.  “Tony was always attracted to you.”

The movie cut to a close-up of Kate.  “Back then, Tony was attracted to a lot of shiny things or had you not noticed his cars?  I was not ever going to be one of Tony’s shiny rides.  You should have known me better than that.”

“Tony is a good looking man, Kate.  I’ve seen more than one woman protest and then eventually succumb to his charms.” Jethro felt stupid talking to the TV.

She raised his eyebrows at him in disbelief and then laughed.  “He was not my type at all.  I can promise you that.”  She paused for a moment and then smirked with a gleam in her eyes.  “But clearly he is yours.”

“Don’t go there,” Jethro warned, trying but failing to sound intimidating.  Kate was one of the few people who was not intimidated by him.    

“That’s what I’m here for, Gibbs.  I am a profiler after all.”  She winked at him before stepping out of the screen and morphing from a two dimensional colorized version of herself to a three dimensional entity standing in front of him.  She looked like a living, breathing person; even the bullet hole in her forehead was missing. “Didn’t think you’d want to see it,” Kate said as if reading his mind.

Jethro wasn’t sure how to feel about seeing her.  Her loss had hit him hard.  He’d been unable to protect her and he had punished himself for his failure for a long time.

“I didn’t ask for protection.  If you recall, I was protecting you,” Kate answered his unspoken thought.  “Would do it again if needed.  I guess that’s why I’m here.  I’m protecting you from yourself and not from Ari this time.”

“Don’t need protecting, Kate,” Jethro stated with a tilt of the head.

“You probably need it more now than you ever did.  Sometimes you’re your own worst enemy, Gibbs.”

“If you tell me to read _Moby Dick_ , I will walk out of this room.”

She laughed at the reference as she looked around the room.  “You know, I’ve never been here.  You never invited me over.  Not once.” 

Jethro felt a little bad about that oversight. He’d never realized he’d never told her she was welcome.  The rest of the team knew it.  Whether they took him up on it or not was another story.

“It’s very homey, except for it, you know, not actually being a home since you don’t really live here,” she said.

“What on earth does that mean?  Of course I live here.”

“Really?  So the master bedroom stays under protective wrap and you don’t use the guest room until you have a lover stay over because…you just love the couch?” 

Jethro had forgotten just how sarcastic Kate could be.  He wasn’t going to explain why he didn’t use the master bedroom or that he was uncomfortable sleeping alone in the guest room.  It wasn’t any of her business.  Besides, how did that make his house not a home?

She kept looking around the room.  “Where are the photos?  Where are Kelly’s things like the ornament she painted for you on her seventh birthday?  Where is the afghan that Shannon knitted for your second anniversary?”  She turned and walked towards Jethro and stood in front of him.  “Mike was right.  You’ve packed them away.  What you didn’t realize was, when you did that, you packed a part of yourself away too.  And that would have been okay for a short time, but you’ve never unpacked.  There’s a reason you hide in the basement.  You stay in this house but you don’t live in this house.  You need to unpack, Gibbs.”

“You done lecturing?” Jethro asked, looking up at her.  He’d just heard this from Mike and he had little patience to hear the same thing from Kate.

“You’re right,” she said, again making Jethro wonder if she could read his thoughts.  “I’m not here to discuss the distant past.  If Mike Franks couldn’t get through that thick skull, I won’t have much luck.”

“Why are you here?” Jethro asked.

She looked at the TV which still had George Bailey discovering why his life had made a difference.  She scratched her head and turned back to Jethro.  “I can’t believe I’m about to make a movie reference but I guess I’m the Ghost of Christmas Present,'' Kate said. “Look upon me!” she pronounced loudly, then laughed just as loudly. “I’ve always wanted to say that.”

Kate walked over to the TV and watched it for a few seconds before turning around.  “Actually I’m more like The Ghost of Christmas Recent Past and Present.  Really, why couldn’t you be watching the right movie?  I can’t make this work with _It’s a Wonderful Life_ with you.  I get why Tony loves it. There’s always been a part of him that’s been afraid no one would miss him if he disappeared. He’s George Bailey. He’s always had this thought in the back of his head that somehow people would be better off without him.  He overcompensates by making sure everyone notices him but it doesn’t dispel the doubt.  This movie helps him to keep those demons at bay.”

Jethro considered that.  It did explain Tony’s affection for the movie.  His upbringing surely led to those feelings of worthlessness that Jethro sometimes sensed from his Second.  Jethro again felt anger towards Senior and wondered what he could do to ensure Tony always felt needed.

Kate continued to watch him, her finger tapping her lip as if considering her next words.  “You’ve never doubted that you had worth.  What you doubt is that your worth deserves happiness.  You’re more Ebenezer Scrooge than George Bailey. The truth is some people would be better off if you had never existed and some people would be worse off.  That’s the way it would be for most people.  Hell, I might have lived longer had I never met you.  On the other hand, I could have been hit by a bus the week after if I had stayed in the Secret Service.”

“Kate, I’m sorry.  I’m sorry I didn’t save you,” Jethro said quietly.  He didn’t want to lose another opportunity to tell her one last time how sorry he was.

“I wasn’t yours to save, Gibbs.  You’re mine. This is about you and the man you’re meant to be, not what you’ve allowed yourself to become through a lifetime of disappointment, bitterness and denial.” 

“What does that mean?” Jethro wondered how anyone could be anything other than what they were.  People were just who they were.  There was no such thing as fate, karma, kismet or any of the hinky things that Abby believed in.  How could Jethro be someone he was not?  The conversation was giving him a headache.

Kate walked around the room again but this time headed towards the basement door.  She peered down into the darkened stairwell for a few moments then turned to face him.  “You killed Ari in this house.  You killed him for me.”

“I did.”  Jethro didn’t bother to correct her that it was Ziva that actually pulled the trigger.  Ultimately, it had been Jethro’s responsibility that Ari was dead.  Ziva had just been his, and her father’s, weapon. 

She looked back down the steps.  “You got your whale in the same room you built your boats.  That’s sort of poetic, Gibbs.”  She shut the cellar door and shook her head.  “By the way, I wouldn’t go down there tonight if I were you.” He saw her shiver. “Take my word.  Make it easy on yourself and listen to me for a change.” 

He looked between the basement door and her.

Kate sighed. “What the hell am I saying?  Of course you won’t listen to me.  You’ve always had to do things the hard way.”  She began pacing the room again and hummed as if looking for something.  “I still have to try, though,” she muttered softly as she reached to the back of a shelf.

Jethro realized what she had found.  He had hidden it the day after her funeral.  It was a small framed photo of Kate, Tony and Jethro. Abby had snapped it on Kate’s first day at NCIS. He’d forgotten it was there.  Like the dollhouse, he had tucked it out of sight. 

“Did it bring me back?” Kate asked as she sat the frame back down, this time on top of the TV.  “Killing Ari, I mean.” 

“No, but I also didn’t lose any sleep over it.”

“Like killing Pedro Hernandez,” Kate stated.  “As long as your vengeance is justified, is that it?”

Jethro stood up, feeling defensive.  “Are you going to tell me that it isn’t?  That I should stop my evil ways or some self-righteous crap like that?” He would not sit there and listen to some sanctimonious preaching.  He had done the right thing.

“No. They were evil men and deserved their fates, but each time you kill, it changes you.  It doesn’t matter what the reason is or if it’s justified or not.  The very act of killing changes you.”  Kate walked over to where Gibbs was standing until they were almost nose to nose. “You think it doesn’t, but it does,” she said softly. “It makes you harder. You need something to balance that out to keep you from becoming so brittle that you break.” 

The two of them stared at each other. “I don’t need anything,” Jethro said angrily as he turned away. He hated seeing what he interpreted as pity in Kate’s eyes.

“You do. The shame of it is, you actually have it but you’re being too stubborn to see it.” 

Jethro had his back to her. He felt raw.  He didn’t want to need anything.  He didn’t want to confront his life like this.  He almost jumped when she spoke again.

“Gibbs, did you ever resent Tony for living?”   

“What?!”” Jethro asked in surprise as he turned around. She was sitting in the green chair patting the couch to invite him to sit.  He saw the action but there was no noise to accompany it.  He suddenly realized she didn’t actually make sound except when she spoke.  There was no rustling of her clothes, no creaking of the floor where she had walked, no breathing when she wasn’t speaking.  It broke him a little bit more.  She really wasn’t there.  And yet, he couldn’t keep himself from wanting to talk with her whether she was real or not.  He sat down and took a moment to admire her face.  She was truly a beautiful person and he missed her.

“Did you ever once wonder why it was me that was shot and not Tony?  Ari could have chosen either of us but he opted for me.  Did you ever wonder why?  Did you ever blame Tony?” Kate asked in quick succession.

Jethro thought a moment.  “He wanted to hurt me.  Ari knew I had a weakness for women because…because of…”

“Shannon and Kelly,” she finished for him.

“Yes.”

“That wasn’t why he targeted me first.”  She sounded very sure of her statement.

Jethro disagreed.  “Of course it was.  His next target was Abby.  I’m sure he’d have gone after Jenny next.  He was after the women I worked with.”

Kate paused a moment and furrowed her brows as if she was thinking.  Finally she asked, “Who was with Abby when he shot through the lab window?”

Jethro thought back, remembering the fear he had felt when he realized Abby and Tony were both in Ari’s crosshairs.  “Tony was with her.”

Kate half-nodded as if waiting for Jethro to catch up to her.

“You think he was aiming for Tony?” Jethro asked.  “No, Ari was too good a shot.  If he’d wanted to shoot Tony, he’d have done it.  I’m not sure why he didn’t hit Abby.” Jethro had always wondered how he had missed.  Ari had been an expert marksman.

“He wasn’t aiming to kill her.  He was aiming to scare you.”

“Then why did he kill you?” Jethro asked.

“He needed to.  He needed to show you he could do it; that he could have taken the most important person away from you in a heartbeat.”

“Tony was right beside you,” Jethro whispered as he thought back to the rooftop.  The image of Kate’s blood on Tony’s face had haunted him as much as Kate’s death had.  He’d been afraid Tony wasn’t going to be able to handle Kate’s loss.

“Yes, Tony.  Ari had you figured out.  He pieced together what others had not; the most important person to you was, and is, Tony.”

Jethro shook his head trying to deny it.

Kate smiled.  “You forget, he’d been observing you for some time between his first mission into NCIS to the final showdown. Ari stalked you all that time.  He was specifically trying to learn who meant the most to you so he was paying attention to actions the rest of us would have never noticed. Over the hacked video feed Ari could read your body language: the head slaps, the invasion of personal space and the way you watched Tony constantly.  It showed your obvious interest in him. Ari knew Tony visited you at home and even stayed with you on occasion. He saw your desperation to save Tony from the plague.  You’d have done anything to save him.  It only confirmed what Ari had already suspected when he first saw how you allowed Tony to hold you as Ari made his first escape.”

“I’d been shot!  Wasn’t really in control of my actions,” Jethro said defensively.

“Would you have let any of us support you like that?  No.  Ari doubted that as well.  He expected you to shrug anyone off who attempted to assist you.  And if it had been anyone but Tony, you would have and you know it.”

Jethro didn’t answer her.

Kate pushed. “You felt guilty because you let him get away while you spent a few selfish moments in Tony’s arms.”

“I did not let him get away!  I thought he was dead,” Jethro yelled.

“No, you didn’t!  Think back. You were sure he had a plan to escape. You never thought it could have been an easy as just shooting him like that.  You knew there was a reason he gave you my gun.”  Kate leaned back in the chair giving Jethro a few minutes to think back to that day.

Jethro closed his eyes as the memories replayed in his head.  “Damn…” Jethro hissed as he realized she was right.  There had been this niggling doubt from the moment he hit the floor that Ari had not died.  He had kept his suspicions to himself until it was confirmed even though he knew he should have told Tony to immediately verify that no one had left the premises.  But he hadn’t wanted Tony to leave. He vaguely remembered squeezing Tony’s arm to keep him there.  He’d wanted to stay in Tony’s arms for the few moments they had. 

Kate broke the silence once again.  “You blamed yourself for it.  That was the real reason you were obsessed with Ari.  You felt it was your fault he got away because you were selfish for a few moments.  If you hadn’t been, then he’d have been captured.  So you began to deny yourself any more selfish moments.  But why? It’s rare but you have lost suspects before.”

“This was personal,” Jethro explained. 

Kate shifted in her seat.  “Because Gerald got hurt?  I don’t think so.  You barely knew him.  Because Ducky and I had been held captive?  Maybe.  But he didn’t actually hurt us.  If Abby had gone down as planned or if she had found Tony instead of me, it could have easily been either of them in that situation.  You were happier it was me and that’s why you felt so guilty about it.  Feeling guilty led to an obsession to prove to yourself you didn’t prefer Tony or Abby over me but that was a losing battle because it wasn’t true.  Abby’s like a daughter to you and Tony…well, he’s more, isn’t he?” 

Jethro glanced up.  Kate was staring at him with such a look of acceptance that he couldn’t deny that Tony had meant more than she had.  He saw the compassion in her eyes and he felt forgiven.  He’d felt so guilty at the relief he had felt when he had realized that it had been Kate that had been shot and not Tony that he lashed out at everyone for the longest time and vowed he could never prefer one agent over another ever again.  He had locked himself up even tighter.

“I don’t hold it against you, Gibbs.  Not what happened on the rooftop or in Autopsy.  You knew you had been a heartbeat away from having Tony or Abby being the one down there.  It could have been one of them at risk.  Once you realized Ari was getting away, you held onto Tony because you didn’t want him running after Ari.  You didn’t want to risk him.”

“Tony has been at risk many times,” Jethro answered.  “He’s an agent.  It’s part of the job.” 

“Yes, and you can handle it when he’s under your orders and not on your home turf where he should be safest.” 

“He wasn’t under my orders during the whole Frog fiasco,” Jethro muttered. The image of Jenny’s face from the night before mixed with his memories of that entire pear-shaped and ill-conceived mission. It infuriated Jethro all over again. 

“And it about killed you knowing something was wrong and you couldn’t help.  Or don’t you recall how you felt?”

“Of course I remember.  He was my agent and Jenny used him!  I was furious.”  The image of Tony’s car blowing up and finding that charred out body in the driver’s seat had been the worst thing that had happened to him since Shannon and Kelly’s death.  Maybe worse since he had had to watch it and been unable to stop it.

It was hard enough when he had to be the one to send Tony on a mission, but to have someone else do it was truly unbearable.  That’s why he knew it was such a mistake to care for Tony.  Someone was bound to get hurt because of it. 

Rule 12 wasn’t just there because of distractions on the job.  It also led to not sending the appropriate agent to do a job because you were too concerned for another’s safety.  It could lead to sending in a less qualified agent.  Jethro fought that instinct every time he had to send Tony on assignment.  He wanted Tony safe but he also knew no one was better qualified to be his partner.  It still tore at him when Tony was at risk.

Kate leaned forward and smiled softly at Jethro.  “You have to send him out.  But you hate it, don’t you?  Because every time he gets in trouble, you have to acknowledge how much he means to you, even if it’s only to yourself.  You’ve had to do this ever since he became yours.”

The TV flickered and she pointed to the screen.

He saw Kate and himself sitting in a car.

_Kate said, “You can say it.  You’re worried about Tony.”_

Jethro had denied it at the time, but he had been terrified. He remembered how sick he felt when he had learned Jeffery White was a serial killer and how frantic he’d been when he had seen the blood inside the car and Tony slumped over.  There had been one thought that repeated in his head, _“No…no..not now…no..I never told him…”_

The TV flickered again.

He watched himself picking up Tony’s phone and dialing his own number from it to confirm it was Tony’s cell.  He remembered how faint he had felt knowing Tony was missing and then remembered his relief when Tony had been found.

_“You care, right?” Tony said._

All Jethro had wanted to do was to pull the man into his arms and never let go.  Kate’s presence had stopped him.  Jethro had been so close to dropping the entire charade then regardless of the consequences.

Instead, he had settled for a tuck on the chin and a _“You’re irreplaceable,”_ in the hopes Tony would understand how important he was to Jethro.

The images shifted again.

_A pale Tony bathed in blue light was struggling for every breath._   _“You will not die.”_

Other images rushed by:  _sitting in the basement consoling a grieving Tony after a reporter’s death and wanting to hug him, feeling relieved when Tony boarded the plane in Israel knowing they were going home even if it had been without Ziva, the sudden sense of dread after finding Tony shot in an alleyway._  

The TV froze on an image of Tony and Jethro sitting on the very same couch he was currently on.  They were sharing a steak dinner.  They had just clinked their beer bottles.  Jethro looked at the two of them on the screen and remembered the moment.  He had never been closer to turning to Tony and kissing him.  He had wanted him so badly that night.  Jethro felt dizzy as he remembered how intimate it had felt.  He also remembered how hard he had worked to push those desires away and ignore his feelings the next day.

Something inside him broke.

So he cared for Tony.  He even desired the man at times.  It didn’t mean he loved him.  He wouldn’t allow himself to think that way about Tony. Tony was just something….special.

“I wouldn’t have minded, Gibbs,” Kate said quietly. 

Jethro wondered how Kate seemed to know exactly what he was thinking. She seemed to be reading his most intimate thoughts.  He wanted her to back off.  They were his thoughts.  He made himself laugh aloud. “Weren’t you the one that teased Tony about tonguing a guy?” Jethro asked, trying to gain his composure back.  “I don’t think you would have accepted it even if I were interested in Tony that way, which I’m not,” he insisted defiantly.  Tony was a good friend that he occasionally found himself attracted to.  That’s all that Jethro could allow.  He needed to build the walls back up.  He was feeling too exposed.

Kate nodded.  “I did tease him about it.  I regret it now.  I can see how that stopped you from moving forward; from accepting your true feelings.  Once you thought he would never accept you, you closed yourself off from the possibility.  But think back to the moment the building manager thought you were together?  You turned to see how Tony reacted and your heart skipped a bit when he just smiled and said, _“Not how you think.”_   He had said it without either disgust or anger.  You were happy he just seemed amused by it.  You honestly thought for a split second how nice it would have been if you and he were looking for a place together.”

Jethro had never been one to wish for things that would never come true, but he did remember that fleeting thought of how it would be if he and Tony could live together.  He loved it when Tony had a reason to stay at Casa Gibbs even if Jethro outwardly pretended it was a chore.

“Not going to answer?” Kate asked. 

Jethro glared at her.  It felt as if she were ripping away his skin and flaying him alive and he could nothing but take it.

“You really are a functional mute, aren’t you?” Kate teased. When she got no answer, she continued. “After I was gone, it was easier, wasn’t it?” Kate asked.  “Ziva and Jenny came and that threw your equilibrium out of whack. Jenny pushed for a relationship that was long over and you watched silently as Ziva pushed into your territory.  Since Tony didn’t seem to object, it was easier to let him drift further away and convince yourself to just be his mentor and his boss.  Until you saw him with Ziva in the undercover assignment.”

The TV flickered and images of Tony and Ziva appeared showing them in bed acting as if they were making love.  At the time, Jethro had tried to look away but hadn’t been able to.  Seeing the full frontal image of Tony had just reminded Jethro how much he wanted the man.  That image had burned into his brain, much like the time in Guantanamo Bay when Tony had woken them all. Jethro knew what a naked Tony looked like and it only fueled his desire more.

Seeing Tony and Ziva on the screen simulating sex made Jethro feel the same surge of jealousy as he had back then.  He hated it.  He hated their flirting.

The scene shifted to the dinner party that Ziva held later that year and the moment that he had realized Tony hadn’t been invited.  Jethro been had both pissed and pleased by her actions.  Pissed that she would be so petty as to exclude Tony and pleased that maybe it would drive a wedge between them.

When Tony continued to seem interested in her, Jethro dealt with it the only way he knew how – he ignored it as much as he could while he seethed inside. 

Images of Tony and Ziva continued to parade in front of him.  He couldn’t keep watching them.  He felt sick.  He stood up and walked away.  A knot formed in his stomach.  He wanted to hit something.  Kate was pushing him and he wasn’t sure how much more he could take. 

She stood up and strode across the room and got in his face.  She sounded as pissed as Jethro felt.  “You opted to run to Mexico when you realized you had a good reason to run.  You couldn’t handle being near Tony and not being with him.  You may have lost a lot of your memories but you knew how you felt about the man.  Instead of turning to him in your moment of need, you pushed him away.  He needed you just as badly and you left him.  You hurt him more than almost anyone else could all because playing mentor and father figure was no longer enough for you.”

“I never wanted to be his damned father!”  He finally gave in and punched the wall.  It left a good sized hole in the drywall.

She laughed bitterly.  “That’s good.  He’s already got one, shitty as he is.  I don’t think he needs another one,” Kate replied.

“Then what does he want?” Jethro yelled. “I didn’t know how to be with him then.  I still don’t.  He drives me crazy!”

Kate stepped back and smiled.  Jethro hated that smile.  It was the one Kate wore when she knew something no one else did. 

“You did come back.  Even though you couldn’t bring yourself to be honest with him and still treated him like crap at times, you came back to him. What does that tell you?” Kate asked.

“That just because I care about Tony doesn’t mean I’m not a bastard,” Jethro answered.  He remembered all the ways he had kept Tony from truly finding anyone. He had blocked both Paula and EJ.  He had misdirected any number of short term girlfriends by misplacing messages that were left on Tony’s desk.  It had been harder to keep Ziva and Tony apart, but Jethro admitted he had been trying his best.  He couldn’t say the words but he knew what he meant.  He knew how he really felt about Tony.

Kate’s shoulders seemed to relax. “True, the second b still hasn’t lost its meaning but at least you’ve admitted to yourself that you love him and you don’t want him with anyone else.  It’s not much but it’s a step in the right direction.”

“Get out of my head!” Jethro snapped.  He hated how Kate kept invading his thoughts.  “What the hell good does it do to admit I love Tony when he sure as hell has no interest in me?”

“Actually, he does.  You just haven’t been paying attention.”    

The TV flickered again and showed a montage of new images.

A hundred images flashed by of moments that Jethro and Tony spent together.  The images were black and white except for Tony.  The color served to enhance his reactions so Jethro could clearly read his facial expressions and body language.  The images jumped from the time they met and Jethro saw Tony’s brilliant green eyes dilate in excitement, to seeing the flush rise up his cheek every time Jethro snuck up behind him or invaded his personal space, the small look of pleasure Tony got when Jethro head slapped him as if pleased to be noticed, to moments when Jethro had just looked up to see his Second quickly looking away as if embarrassed to have almost been caught. 

The montage showed Jethro one thing:  Tony had desired Jethro since they met. 

It made him feel marginally better to at least recognize that Tony found him attractive.  How had he missed that all these years?  Some investigator he was.  He flopped back onto the couch, exhausted.

Doubt crept in again.  As Kate had said earlier, Tony desired a lot of things until he had them.  Jethro didn’t just want to be Tony’s shiny new toy.  He laughed at the thought of anything about himself being shiny or new. He wanted Tony forever but Tony never seemed to want anything longer than a few months.  Jethro couldn’t bear to have Tony for a short while only to be discarded again.

He looked around the room to ask Kate once again how this was helping him only to notice she was no longer there.


	5. Shades of Future’s Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t own NCIS, A Christmas Carol or It’s a Wonderful Life. I don’t make any money on this either.

**Holiday Spirits (A Tibbs Christmas Carol)**

 

_ Chapter 5 – Shades of Future’s Past _

There was a large crash in the basement.  Jethro jumped up at the sound and ran to the door.

As he neared it, he remembered Kate’s warning about going down there.  He hesitated for a fraction of a second.  Was he really going to be afraid of his own cellar?

The grandfather clock chimed midnight once again, startling him.  He was more on edge than he thought.  His eyes flicked back to the cellar door.  Tony would probably be quoting some horror flick and warning him to not be the guy that goes down into the darkened basement alone.

He hesitated.  Maybe he shouldn’t go down.  He was already wrung out after dealing with Mike and Kate or whatever they hell they really were.  He wasn’t sure if he was really up to dealing with anyone or anything else. He was half turned around when he heard a muffled voice from the basement.

“Dumbass.”

It was a voice he knew too well and hadn’t heard in too long.

“Shannon?” he asked quietly.

He opened the door and couldn’t see anything.  The room was dark except for an odd glow emanating from the corner of the room.  He knew he hadn’t left his work light on so he didn’t know what the light could be.  He tried to flip the light switch but nothing happened.  The steps creaked as he cautiously descended.  About halfway down, he squatted to look through the railing. 

He hadn’t imagined her voice.  There she was. His first wife was standing by the work bench, a halo of light surrounding her so brightly that she seemed a wash of white except for her face which he could see clearly.

She was smiling warmly at him.  “Sorry, I dropped your tool belt,” she said sheepishly. “You know, I always wondered why you spent so much time down here until I realized you weren’t exactly ‘into me’, as the phrase goes.”  She sort of chuckled sadly.

“Shannon, I did love you.” Jethro tried to reassure her.  He had loved her but he now knew it was not in the way she deserved.  He still missed her terribly but realized what he missed was her friendship not her passion.  Mike had been right. Jethro had idealized her.  He had made her someone so perfect that no other woman could compete so he wouldn’t have to admit the real truth.  He never really wanted another woman in his life.  The others had been convenient masks to keep the masquerade going and Shannon a convenient excuse when the mask got too uncomfortable to wear.   

The cellar door slammed shut and he heard it lock. 

“I know, Jethro.  In your way you did.  That’s why you have to hear what we have to say.”

“We?”

She looked over to the darkest corner of the room. Jethro saw a shadow rising.  It felt cold and malevolent.  A panic gripped Jethro.  He’d never felt that kind of fear.  He stumbled back up to the door and began trying to force the door open.

“It won’t open, Jethro.  Not until you’re ready to unlock it.”

The shadow began to take shape.  It was vaguely human-shaped but looked as if it wore a large, ragged robe.  It slowly floated across the room and Jethro could feel the temperature dip as it got closer.   

Shannon spoke up. “You don’t seem to be listening to your friends, Jethro, so I thought maybe you’d listen to your enemies.”  Her voice sounded tired and apologetic.

“What is that?” he asked Shannon.  When she didn’t answer, he turned to the shadow now at the bottom of the steps. “Who are you?  Are you supposed to be the Ghost of Things to Yet-to- Be?” he asked, feeling almost ridiculous for saying such a thing.

Shannon laughed and Jethro felt humiliated.  What else was he to think after everything else that had happened that evening.  In a booming voice, she pointed to the shadow and said, “’What think you, Spectre? Are these things you are to show him the things that _will_ be or that _may_ be?’” She laughed again. “I’ve always wanted to say that.” Shannon stopped laughing and looked at Jethro.  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to embarrass you.” She nodded towards the shadow. “Oh, but that would be priceless, wouldn’t it?!  Him – the Ghost of Christmas Yet-to-Be.” She glided up towards Jethro until she was next to him. 

Jethro could feel the warmth of her aura cut through the chilled air.  

She smiled gently at Jethro then turned her head towards the shadow. “No, he’s not the Ghost of Christmas anything, Jethro. He’s just a shade of his former self, that’s all.  A sad, lonely spirit haunting nothing but himself.  He spent so much of his life seeking vengeance, he forgot who he was and lost himself here.” She waved in the direction of the cellar.  “He’s learned from his mistakes and has a few things to show you.”   

Jethro peered closer at the figure.  Ari?  Kate had specifically mentioned Ari earlier.  Could this shadow be his lingering ghost?  Ari had died in this room seeking to fulfill his mission.  Jethro had always wondered if Ari had thought it was worth everything that he had lost.

Jethro couldn’t see beneath the dark hooded robes but the shape was the about the same height as Ari had been. Jethro could think of no other possibilities but he could also think of no reasons of why Ari would be there.  How many hours had Jethro spent with Ari’s lingering spirit dwelling in the same room?  Why would Shannon bring him forth?  What good could come of this?  Ari had hated Jethro in life, he doubted anything had changed in death.  There was nothing Ari could say that would help Jethro. 

Maybe Ari was there to end him.  Maybe this entire evening was just his life was flashing before him.  Was Jethro actually dying upstairs and they were here to show him all the would-haves, could-haves and should-haves that made up Jethro’s regrets?

Had Ari come to finish Jethro off?  Jethro shivered.  After everything, he still wasn’t ready to die.  He wasn’t ready to give up this life.

“I’ve never known you to be a coward, Jethro.  Are you so afraid of what might happen that you won’t even allow yourself to try?  All you have to do is admit it and this night ends here.”  Shannon placed her hand on his shoulder.  There was no weight to her hand but he could feel a warm tingling where she touched him.

“Admit what?” Jethro asked softly, looking at her.  Was Shannon wanting him to admit it had been Ziva that had killed Ari?  Was he supposed to atone for his sins before he crossed over?

“This has nothing to do with Ari,” Shannon answered, reading his mind, much like Kate had done.

“Then why is he here?” Jethro asked, pointing towards the shadow hovering at the bottom of the steps.

“Him?” Shannon asked, nodding to the figure.  “He’s here to show you what will happen if things don’t change.”

“Why would he do that?” Jethro asked, bewildered. If he wasn’t dying, then what was going on? “Why would he want to help me?”

“Sometimes our enemies see us clearer than our friends,” Shannon answered, echoing Kate’s earlier sentiments.  “He’s here to make you see that you and Tony love each other, that you and Tony belong together.  If you don’t do something about it, you will both regret it.”

“Tony…again.  Why are you all so insistent…?” Jethro started to say and changed his mind. “There’s nothing going on between us nor could there ever be,” he announced instead.  Why did they keep persisting in this path?  Jethro could never be with Tony.  He was too much of a bastard to be good for Tony.

“You’ve already admitted you love him.  You’ve seen his interest in you.  Why could you not be together?” she asked softly.

“Rule 12,” Jethro said as if that ended the discussion once and for all. 

She stood up and threw her hands in the air in a gesture Jethro remembered well.  “That’s a complete cop-out and you know it.  That’s not even deserving of an answer.  Try again,” she ordered.

The shadow slowly slithered up the stairs towards him. Jethro could see his dark outline growing larger behind Shannon’s light.  The room grew colder as the shadow got closer.

Shannon crossed her arms and stared at Jethro in expectation.

He didn’t want the shadow to touch him.  “What if he doesn’t want me?” Jethro offered as his second excuse.  He clasped his hands together and began fidgeting.  How could Tony ever want him?

“Nope.  You’ve already seen his desire for you.  Try again!”  Her voice became strident.  Jethro had forgotten how stubborn Shannon could be when needed.

“What if he leaves?” Jethro asked, shivering at the admission.  He heard the strain in his own voice of having vocalized his worst fear.  “Tony never stays anywhere or with anyone for long.”

Shannon knelt down in front of him.  “Ah, now we’re getting somewhere.  The age old question: is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?  Let’s just see what would happen if you don’t even try, shall we?” She stood and glided sideways.

The shadow on the step had been right behind her and now hovered directly in front of Jethro.  He fell backwards and scrambled at the doorknob.  He turned around as the shadow grew directly behind him.  The room was now freezing and Jethro saw his own breath in the air.  His back was pressed against the heavy wooden door and he had nowhere to go.  The cloaked arm reached out and ghostly undefined, fingers stretched out to touch his shoulder. 

The room shifted and he saw several people he didn’t recognize at the bottom of the steps.  They wandered deeper into the room and Jethro got up to follow to see what they were doing. No one seemed to notice him.

_“No,'' said an older woman answering a question that had obviously been asked before Jethro had appeared.  She had far too much make-up on, overly done black hair and a cheap polyester skirt suit. “I don't know much about it, either way. I only know he's dead.'  Her voice was raspy and she had a thick New York accent._

_“When did he die, Linda?'' inquired a younger man.  He looked to be in his mid to late thirties.  He also wore a suit, but the one he wore was of a much higher quality than the woman’s._

_“Last week, I believe,” she answered._

_“What was the matter with him?'' asked a third person.  She was a young blond who had lifted a box onto a small table and began rooting through it. She had on grey wool trousers and a red sweater. “I thought he'd never die.  I’ve heard so many stories about him. He was a legend.”_

_“He was a legend all right, Cara, but he was a bastard to work for,” said the man with a yawn.  “Not many people missed him after he retired.”  He stretched.  Something seemed to catch his eye and his knelt down._

_“He’s only been retired for five years, Glen,” the young woman replied._

_“Managed to become a raging alcoholic in that time,” Glen answered back as pulled out an empty bourbon bottle that had rolled under the work bench._

_“What did Vance say we should do with all of this?” the first woman asked.  She had opened up another box and looked inside.  “I mean this looks just like old photographs, clothes and hand tools.  Won’t get much on e-Bay for any of this stuff.”_

_“He wanted us to make sure there was nothing that belonged to the agency.  The old man had a way of hiding.  He used to bring files home and work on cases that weren’t assigned to him.  He always seemed to have his own agenda.  I don’t think Vance liked him very much.”_

_“I heard Gibbs went outside the system a lot,” Cara said, conspiratorially.  She evidently wanted to gossip.  She waited until both Glen and the other woman looked up at her to continue.  “I even heard he killed a few people without authorization but that NCIS always covered it up. One of them was shot right here.”_

_All three stopped to look around the basement as if they expected the dead to rise._

_“He tended to get obsessive about his cases.  Nothing would stop him from catching the bad guys. Sometimes at the expense of others,” the first woman said in a sad tone._

She had obviously known Jethro but he didn’t remember her at all.  If this was the future, maybe he hadn’t met her yet?

_“I guess that’s why he lost so many agents,” Glen said softly as he sat the bottle on top of the work bench._

Jethro glanced up sharply at the dark figure next to him.  “Who do I lose?”

The figure just lifted his arm again to the trio.  Jethro turned back to them.

_“Anyways, the rest we’re to leave for the trucks.  Vance made arrangements to donate everything,” Glen said._

_“Like there’s anything here worthwhile,” Cara muttered._

_‘What about his personal effects?” Linda asked._

_Cara looked around.  “What personal effects?  I haven’t seen anything, have you?  The entire house is completely sterile.  Other than these boxes, there’s not a photo or memento anywhere.  It’s like the man didn’t have a friend.”_

_Glen leaned up against the work bench.  “Don’t think he did after that Miami fiasco.  How many agents were killed?”_

_Linda was refolding some old sweatshirts and repacking another box. “Was that the one with the FBI?”_

_Glen turned around and started sorting through the tools that were still hanging on the pegboard.  “Yeah.  Fornell.  My mom knew his ex-wife.  Did you know Fornell married one of Gibbs’ ex-wives?  Who the hell could have stood being married to that man?  To either of them for that matter.  Fornell was almost as bad as Gibbs before he died in Miami.”_

_Cara laughed.  “That’s right, you were FBI before you slunk over to NCIS, weren’t you?”_

_“Yeah – lucky me.  Remind me why I’m a Fed again?” He examined a chisel and apparently decided it wasn’t worth anything and chucked it into a large trash can._

_“No idea.  Didn’t his Second also die in the shoot-out?” Linda asked._

_“Yeah, DiNozzo. They were close apparently. And that girl from Israel ended up in a coma.  Don’t think she ever woke up,” Glen replied._

Jethro stumbled backwards at hearing the news.  It was his bête noir come to fruition: Tony dying before him.

The trio kept talking, but their voices sounded tinny to Jethro.  He heard them, but it was like they were far away.  He had to refocus.  He had to find out how Tony died so he could prevent it. 

_Linda closed up the box and stacked it in a corner.  “That was why he retired.  Officially it wasn’t his fault, but everyone knew it was his slip up that broke DiNozzo’s cover.  I don’t think anyone but that goth girl that used to be the forensic person ever spoke to him again.  What was her name?”_

It was his fault Tony had died?  He broke Tony’s cover?  How could that have happened?  Cara piped up breaking Jethro’s thoughts.

_“Abby something.  Before my time but I’ve heard stories.  Heard she and McGee were in a car accident a few years ago.”_

_“Right. I remember. That’s when Balboa was promoted to MTAC.  He took McGee’s place as lead.”_

Jethro fell back some more until his back hit the side of the stairs. He was gasping for breath, feeling his lungs squeeze tightly. 

This was supposed to be a vision of what would happen if Jethro didn’t change anything? It led to the deaths of Fornell and Tony and eventually Abby and Tim?  It ended up with Ziva in a coma?  How could not getting involved with Tony lead to this disaster? Rule 12 existed to keep his agents safe so they weren’t distracted by emotional attachments. 

The room swirled and he heard Shannon’s voice in the distance.  “Just because you didn’t break Rule 12 didn’t mean there wasn’t an emotional attachment.  It just festered until you were unable to control it.”

Jethro felt a cold hand touch him. The shadow was still beside him.  His vision faded and he saw a dreamlike vision appear before him.  Tony was wearing dress blues and standing in a corridor with a man.  Seeing himself around one corner with McGee behind him, he knew the man was Tony’s mark but he didn’t know why the two of them were pawing each other passionately. Seeing Tony respond as if he wanted this man sent a wave of violent jealousy and anger through Jethro.  Looking at his future self, he saw the same emotions reflected back at him.

He watched as his future self strode forward and broke them apart more forcefully than was needed.  His future self had hissed DiNozzo’s name. He now watched as the man looked between FutureJethro and Tony and knew his future self had given Tony away. Tony and FutureJethro were looking at each other so sharply, though, that neither of them realized the mistake that had been made.

The scene shifted.  It was dark and they were outside at the docks. DiNozzo was once again with the man, obviously drugged but still ambulant as they walked towards a boat.  He saw his future self hiding behind a crate and giving orders through his earwig.  Jethro watched as Fornell and his team initiated the takedown.  Instead of them capturing the bad guys, he and FutureJethro watched helplessly as they were mowed down. The man’s thugs had been waiting for them.  He saw Ziva thrown against a large crate and crumple to the ground, unconscious. The man continued to drag Tony beside him and FutureJethro raced out after them.  The man turned and smiled at Jethro before shooting Tony in the head at point blank range. He turned the gun towards FutureJethro and shot him, catching his right shoulder.  By the time FutureJethro had recovered enough to turn, the man had vanished.  He watched FutureJethro slowly walk towards Tony’s lifeless body.  FutureJethro pulled Tony into his arms and held him while the boat sped away.  It was obvious FutureJethro was not aware of anything going on around him.

The scene faded and they were back in Jethro’s basement. He fell to floor where Glen had been standing.  The trio was gone and Shannon was once again by his side, stroking his back as if to calm him down.  Even though he felt the warmth of her at his back, Jethro felt frozen and numb. 

“So hiding your feelings does nothing to prevent you from having those feelings,” Shannon said, breaking the silence.  “It just makes them intensify until something finally explodes.”

“No – that can’t happen!  He can’t die!  I can’t lose him.” Jethro cried out.  He felt sick seeing his team devastated a moment of weakness.  “I can see that things can’t stay the same.  I’ll change.  I’ll get Tony off the team…or I’ll leave so I’m not a danger to him. I’ll do anything. I can’t let that happen!”

“That’s your solution?  You’d leave Tony behind?  Or worse, get rid of him?” Shannon sounded disgusted.  “How could you do that to someone you love?”

“He’d be better off.  At least he’ll live. He can move on,” Jethro said as he realized he himself never would be able to move on. He needed Tony to be happy and if that could only happen without Jethro, he was willing to sacrifice it.

He stood up and looked at Shannon warily.  He tried to keep Ari’s shadow in the corner of his eye but the figure kept drifting out of his line of sight.  He didn’t want to have the shadow touch him again, afraid of what he might see.  He grabbed a flask off of the work table and took a swallow.  He felt a driving need to be drunk.  He collapsed back onto the floor, flask in hand.

She stepped back and paced the room, waving her arms around.  “Oh, look at the great noble Leroy Jethro Gibbs.  The hero who sacrifices his own happiness for love.” Her tone was cruel and sarcastic.  “What if the sacrifice needed isn’t your happiness but your bitterness and desolation?  Can you bring yourself to give those up?”

She paused and squatted down before him.  “You think he’d be better off without you?  Because I don’t.  He’s worse than you are. You may sacrifice the things you love out of a sense of arrogant nobility but he does it from a sense of worthlessness instilled by his family. He has a way of taking things internally and shifting things to absorb more responsibility: the kid in Baltimore, his mother’s death, Brenda Bitner, the way he reordered his memories so he wasn’t the victim of a boarding school prank.  Tony has a habit of believing the worst of himself.  Why wouldn’t others believe the same?  How well do you think he would handle being abandoned by you?”

The shadow had snuck up on Jethro during Shannon’s speech.  It touched Jethro once again and he was thrust into another vision.  This time it was daylight and Tony was leaning up against a car on a desolate road in the mountains.  He was drinking heavily and talking to himself.

_“Not good enough for Team Gibbs anymore…well Tony boy…you never were good for much.  Didn’t Daddy teach you all about that?”  Future Tony took another big gulp of whiskey before getting into the car.  Tony looked an old picture of him and Jethro then turned the ignition on._

The image froze as Jethro turned to the two figures beside him.  “No! Tony would not do that.  He would not commit suicide.”

Shannon pulled away.  “Not intentionally, but have you never noticed how he puts himself in harm’s way.  He puts all others before him even when he’s in a good frame of mind.  Imagine how reckless he would become when he felt there was no one left.  He may talk big but he’s always put everyone else’s welfare first. He counseled Tim when he made his first killing shot, he saved Tim and Kate from a car bomb just after he’d returned early from the having the plague, he risked his lungs to save you from drowning, he risked his life to save Ziva in Somalia, he’s come here more times than I can count just to check up on you, and he consoled the team when you were in Mexico.  He visited Ziva every week just to check on her even as he struggled with his own loss.”

Jethro stood up and stormed across the room and up the steps.  “I don’t need to hear how they had booty calls while I was gone!   For all I know, those two have been breaking Rule 12 behind my back since then!” he screamed.

“Jealousy is ugly on you, Jethro.  Is that what you really think?  That Ziva and Tony were knocking boots and living it up since you left them?”  Shannon had followed him up the steps as she berated him.

He turned on the landing to face her.  Put that way, it sounded stupid. “I don’t know what to think,” he finally admitted.  “They’ve been all googly-eyed since the day David was assigned to my team.”  Jethro hated the defeated tone in his voice.

“Tony flirts with everyone, Jethro. You know that.  It’s just who he is.  And I thought you liked Ziva?”

“I did!  I do…I mean…she shouldn’t be trying to get Tony to break my rules.”

“So it’s her fault?”

Jethro shifted uncomfortably. “No. He’s just as guilty.  He can barely keep it in his pants.  I need them as a team.  He need him to stop staring at her instead of at…”

“You?” she asked softly.

Jethro threw a fist into the door.  His knuckles were already sore from his earlier encounter with the wall upstairs.  He rubbed his hands to stop the stinging.  “Why the hell are we talking about this?  It’s not getting us anywhere.”  He tried the handle again and it was still locked.

“That’s true only because you haven’t noticed that Tony’s grown up.  He’s not that person anymore.  I’m not sure he ever was.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means, numbskull, that I think he played up his playboy persona even more than you ever suspected.  Have you even heard him talking about women lately?”

He turned around and leaned against the door.  “No.  Figured it was on account of Ziva,” he said sullenly.

“Or maybe he’s found the one person worth staying for.  Maybe he’s also beginning to realize that he himself might be worth the staying of.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Grammar aside, when you said you don’t do deep, you really mean that, don’t you?  I know what you’re thinking.  You think cutting Tony out cold turkey will hurt him less.  You couldn’t be more wrong about that.”

“You’ve always known that I never was any good at emotions.”  He had always believed in pulling the band-aid off quickly even if it reopened the wound. 

Shannon shook her head.  “You know this already but I’ll explain it just to reinforce how important you are to Tony.  He grew up thinking he wasn’t worth much except for his looks, charm, and his athletic and sexual prowess.  Of course he’s going to play those things up and garner immediate attention.  But he was never going to stay anywhere.  He’d always go somewhere else before it got too deep because he felt he didn’t have anything else to offer.  That’s what was behind the two year maximum for his job and the two week maximum for his heart.  He left everything before the newness wore off.  One way to avoid rejection is to be the rejecter.  Tony was so afraid they’d make him leave - his jobs, his friends, his lovers - that he left them first.  You are the only one he hasn’t left, even when you actually did leave him.  That should tell you he finds something worth staying for and it’s not Ziva David.  It’s you.  It’s always been you because he thinks you see something in him that’s worth keeping and he’s never had that before.  If you force him out him, you will crush him.”

Jethro turned to see the mirage of Tony appear again.  It vision restarted as he turned the ignition and hit the gas pedal.  The image shifted again just as he heard a screech of wheels.  He heard Shannon’s voice.

“And if _you_ left _him_ behind again…”

This time he saw himself handing over his badge and gun once again to Tony.

_“Tony, your team.  Forever this time.  I won’t take it back.  This time I’m going to Mexico for good.  Don’t call me back, I won’t come.  Just know, I believe you’ll be a good leader.  You’ve earned this.”_

At least Jethro was pleased to hear his future self say the words he should have said the first time. 

This time though Tony didn’t keep them.  He watched Tony go upstairs into Vance’s office with both Gibbs’s and his own badges in his hands. 

_“I can’t do this alone.  I can’t do this again,” Tony said as he gave his resignation._

He then watched as Tony got into his car, obviously distracted, and drive away.  He never seemed to see the truck running the red light.

Gibbs ran towards the accident as it faded from his sight.

“No!”  It can’t happen like that!” Jethro screamed as he ran out to try to save Tony.  Finding himself in the middle of his basement once again, he spun around in anger.  “You’re just messing with my head.  You don’t know what the future could bring. There’s no way Tony just dies in all of those scenarios.  You’re just figments of my imagination.  You’re just in my head.”

“It doesn’t make it any less true, does it?  Who knows better than you what’s inside your own head?  You’re more aware of the truth than you realize.  Tony is better off with you and you are a better man with him.”

He ran up the stairs, unable to face anything else.  He didn’t know how to handle these revelations.  Every decision ended in disaster.   He realized too late that the shadow had grown exponentially and screamed as it engulfed him.

He couldn’t breathe.  He was in complete darkness.  He couldn’t hear any sounds or smell any odors.  He thought for a moment that he had died.  His life began flashing before his eyes – but it wasn’t just his life – it was his and Tony’s.  Real moments of their time together, much like the earlier video montages but now it felt real, like he was reliving the moments all over again:

_The first time he’d seen Tony smile; the amusement of Tony realizing that Gibbs had received the honey dust at Christmas and how much he had hoped Tony had meant it for him; “Come on, Loverboy”; steak dinners at his house, afraid of Tony meeting his own father in Stillwater for fear his father would discover his secret but then the joy of seeing Tony meeting Jackson, watching Tony sleep in the office, comforting a distraught Tony charged with murder, and opening his eyes on the dock after Tony had saved his life._

The memories came faster, sharper and sweeter.  Jethro felt as if he were swirling around in a void of memories when the two of them together.  If he was dead, he could live with this – with his memories of Tony.  They weren’t everything he could have wanted but they were enough.  They would have to be enough if he were dying.

If he actually weren’t dying? If he lived through this what was he going to do? Another scenario occurred to him.  Maybe he wouldn’t run to Mexico this time.  Maybe he would stay in D.C. when he retired.  Have the occasional dinner with Tony just to keep an eye on him.  Maybe watch Tony finally marry and have kids like he should.  He could be Uncle Jethro, couldn’t he?

Shannon’s voice grew distant again.  “Even if you gracefully step aside at work but still keep him in your life as a friend, do you think Tony will be happy?  Would you be?”

The visions suddenly stopped and he hit the ground hard.

He opened his eyes as he tried to catch his breath.  The shadowy figure loomed over him.  Jethro stood slowly and noticed Shannon was not with them.

It was dark and cold.  The moon was full above them.  Snow covered the ground and was glazed over with a thin layer of ice. The figure glided forward and he accompanied it until they reached an iron gate. He paused to look around before entering.

It was a churchyard with a small cemetery plot.  Jethro knew this place.

The shadow moved forward and stood among the graves.  He pointed down to one particular set of tombstones. Jethro advanced towards it trembling and looking at his feet. He was truly afraid of what he would see.  He noted idly that he did not leave footprints in the snow.

“Before I come closer, can you answer a question? These are just images in my head, right?  It’s not truly the future we’re seeing, is it?”  He knew it sounded stupid.  He didn’t believe in this type of hinky stuff but enough people did to make him question that belief.  Should he invoke Rule 51? Maybe he was wrong about it.  Maybe he was wrong about a lot of things.

The shadow continued to point to the grave it stood beside and said nothing.

“Thanks Ari, you never were much help.  I guess if I knew what was going to happen for sure, I wouldn’t try to change things.”  Jethro came to a decision. “I’m going on the assumption things can be changed otherwise why would we be going through all of this?”  He was going to see this vision through to the end.

The shadow was immovable as ever.

Jethro knelt down and moved closer to read the fine script.  It confirmed what he already suspected.  He stood by Shannon’s and Kelly’s graves which now had an accompanying neighbor that read, Leroy Jethro Gibbs. It was clear the grave wasn’t new but they were kept up well compared to the others nearby.  He wondered what year it was now considering the year etched into the stone.  Gibbs had tried not to look at it but it was hard to miss:  2025.  That wasn’t that many years in the future.  Gibbs wondered if that was truly when he was destined to die.  If that’s the case, he didn’t have long to make up for his mistakes.

As he knelt there, he heard footsteps approach.  The ice crunched underneath a heavy tread.  He looked up to see a tall man dressed in a nice suit, topped with a long wool coat and a dark green scarf.  Black gloved hands held a three bouquet of flowers: two small ones that were filled white and pale pink flowers and one larger one made of dark red and bright white roses. Jethro wondered why someone would bring flowers in the middle of winter.  They’d only die a quick death in the frozen temperature.  The man stood across from Jethro looking at each of the tombstones.  He gently put one of the small ones in the holder for Kelly’s grave and then stepped over to do the same with Shannon’s. He noticed the man had flipped a small switch on both vases.  A light gradually illuminated the flowers from beneath creating a special glow. The man then approached Jethro’s grave with the largest of the bouquets and stood across from Jethro.

He knelt down to place the white and red roses into the vase. He flipped the same switch as the others. 

When the light had fully come on, Jethro reached under it and felt its warmth.  Now he understood why someone would bring flowers in winter.  The special vessels were designed keep warm flowers enough to allow them to open up even in the coldest of weather. Jethro admitted the roses looked beautiful in the warm glow. 

The man across from him also looked beautiful in the light.  He looked different: older, grayer, a little paunchier, and lines crowded his face but Jethro thought he was still the most handsome man he had ever seen.  He felt himself thaw a little at seeing Tony placing flowers on his grave.  The man had not forgotten him.

_“I made it, Boss,” Tony whispered. “Didn’t think I would.  Not moving so fast these days.  Anyways, not much has changed since my last visit.  Abby and Tim’s kids are both in college now.  Not sure when they’ll have time for old Uncle Tony anymore.  Jimmy’s daughter got married in the spring.  It was nice.  He’s having some complications from the diabetes but Breena’s taking good care of him.  I visited Ducky last week and got regaled with stories from his days in Eton.  He thought I was one of his old professors.  He doesn’t remember much before 1965 anymore.  I get to the home when I can since his nieces and nephews can’t.  He doesn’t remember them anyways so I guess it’s just as well.  He’s in the same home his mother had been in if you can remember that.  I think it won’t be too long until you see him.  Ziva’s living in Spain according to McGee.  He got a text from her a few months ago.  Don’t think she’s ever forgiven me for saying no.  I could have settled, I guess but you were the one to tell me to ‘never settle’ so I didn’t.”_

Jethro remembered that offhand comment that he had said so many years ago.  He never realized Tony had taken it to heart.  “Does that mean he never found anyone?” Jethro asked the shadow.  “He never fell in love?  He never married or had kids?”  Jethro felt his heart break as he watched the man in front of him growing old alone.

_“Brought some flowers for Shannon and Kelly too.  Hope you don’t mind.  Don’t be too jealous,” Tony smiled wistfully.  “It’s just my way of telling them I’m sorry for loving you the way they did.  I hope they don’t mind too much.  I miss you, Gibbs.  I could have never settled for anyone else because they weren’t you.  Say hi to Kate for me.  See you next year.”_

Tony’s eyes watered and his bottom lip was trembling.  He looked so forlorn that Jethro wanted to grab on to him and hold him forever.  He had to make this right.  Shannon would understand.  Even if this was in his head, he had to at least try to make it work with Tony.  He had to tell the man how important he was.

For the first time the shadow’s hand appeared to shake.

“Ari, I understand.  I do.  Mike, Kate, Shannon – they were right. My friends couldn’t make me see clearly but you, the man that hated me most, made me see what I was missing.”

The shadow raised its arm and pulled back its hood.  Jethro gaped at the face before him.  It wasn’t Ari’s dark eyes looking back but his own icy blue stare.  He fell backwards onto the ground and scrambled backwards to get away.  The sky went dark around him.

Soon a glow appeared around him and he was back in the basement on the steps. He opened his eyes to see Shannon.

“I…I was my own worst enemy?” Gibbs asked shakily.  He looked around but could see the shadow was no longer there.  A sense of relief and purpose flooded through him.

Shannon smiled as she placed a hand on his shoulder.  “You always were, Jethro.  Now that you know, what will you do?”

“I’ll tell him.  I have to tell him I love him.  Even if you’re not real.  Even if he doesn’t love me, I need to give him that chance.  I will make this right.”

“I believe you will.  It’s never too late for roses to bloom.  It’s been good seeing you, Jethro.”  She faded from sight. 

The cellar door clicked and popped open. 


	6. Tony’s Presence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t own NCIS, A Christmas Carol or It’s a Wonderful Life. I don’t make any money on this either. 
> 
> Just a heads up – this is the last chapter and involves Gibbs/Tony yumminess. If that’s not your thing, why are you reading this? If it is, then read on and Happy Holidays (whatever holiday you celebrate).

**Holiday Spirits (A Tibbs Christmas Carol)**

 

_ Chapter 6 – Tony’s Presence _

Jethro woke suddenly and realized he was in his own house on the same lumpy sofa he’d fallen asleep on.  The TV was still flickering and the movie had long ended.  Just the menu was flashing.

Had everything just been a dream?  He lay there taking stock.  Even if it had been a dream, he realized he still had to take a chance.  It didn’t matter if his epiphany was the result of the supernatural or his own subconscious. 

He knew what he needed to do.  He loved Tony.  He needed to tell him.  He needed to stop hiding from him and take a chance.  If Tony said no, then that would be the end.  He trusted Tony well enough to not freak out over the admission.  At worst, Tony would laugh in disbelief and then say, “Thanks but I’m not interested in that.  Want me to make dinner?”  

Jethro had trusted Tony with his life for so many years, surely he could trust him with his heart.

He looked around frantically for the phone before he decided he should tell Tony in person.  All he really knew was he had to tell Tony tonight or he would talk himself out of it by morning.    He was searching for his shoes when he heard the sound of a car pull in the driveway.  Headlights flashed through the windows.

He looked out the window in disbelief.  It couldn’t be real, but it was.  Tony was coming to him.  Jethro didn’t believe in coincidences.  In his gut, he knew this meant he had to follow through with his resolve.   

He wanted this to be special.  He quickly scurried to straighten up.  He threw the photos into the old shoebox and shoved them under the couch.  He put the bourbon away and lit the Christmas tree.  It felt right to do that. He felt his nerves starting to get the better of him.  He admitted to himself how he felt about Tony, but would Tony be receptive?  Did he love him the same way? He believed that Tony did or at least he believed that Tony could love him the same way.  He just had to could convince the man to take a chance.

His epiphany could have been a delusion or just a crazy dream but it didn’t make the revelations any less important.

The door opened. Jethro tried his best to look relaxed and knew he was doing a piss poor job of it.  He decided to forget it and crossed the room towards Tony. The other man was removing his coat and had hung a dark green scarf on the rack by the door.  Jethro thought he’d never seen a sight as comforting as Tony coming home.  Jethro sighed.  That is what he wanted – that this became a home for both of them.

“Boss?  Boss, I saw your light on,” Tony called out.  He turned around only to jump as he saw Jethro standing right behind him.  He grinned sheepishly.  “Hope it’s not too late,” Tony said.

Jethro smiled.  “I hope not either.”  Tony looked perplexed as Jethro slowly approached him.  “I sincerely hope not.”  Jethro lifted his right hand to Tony’s face to stroke the side of his cheek and then patted it in the same way as he done in the past.

“Boss?” Tony looked into Jethro’s eyes and Jethro could see the question and the wariness in Tony’s expressive eyes.

Jethro slid his hand around the nape of Tony’s neck and pulled him into a soft, lingering kiss. To his delight, Tony didn’t resist.  Just as their lips met, the clock began to chime: one, two, three…Jethro pulled him closer and darted his tongue into Tony’s mouth…four, five, six…Tony relaxed and let him in…seven, eight, nine…Jethro felt Tony tentatively wrap his arms around Jethro and he pressed Tony up against the closed door and savored the feel of their bodies connecting…ten, eleven, twelve…

It was the best thing Jethro thought he had ever experienced.  He backed off a bit to look at Tony.  If Tony didn’t go running away screaming, Jethro imagined he’d have some questions.

“Boss?”  Tony tentatively touched his own lips as if to confirm he had just been kissed.

“Jethro.  Call me Jethro at home,” he said as he reached down to take Tony’s hand.  They were cold from the outside but were much softer than Jethro’s.

“What was that about?” Tony asked.  “Not that I’m complaining, mind you.”  Tony looked both puzzled and a little pleased.

Feeling more confident, Jethro led Tony to the couch and pushed him gently onto it.  Doing something he never did before, he straddled himself across Tony’s lap.

“I had an epiphany tonight,” Jethro said by way of explanation.

“Epiphany?  That’s a big word this late at night.”

Jethro felt relief at seeing a little humor from Tony after what had happened.  It meant he wasn’t completely unnerved at being kissed by Jethro.  It was a promising start.

“Let’s just say I needed to lay some old ghosts to rest before I realized what was right in front of me.”  Gibbs bent down to kiss Tony again.  This time he could experience the full enjoyment of Tony’s full, soft lips without hesitation.  He tasted of butterscotch candies and hazelnut coffee. Jethro wanted more. 

“And what was that?” Tony whispered as they broke apart.

The flush on Tony’s cheek made him extraordinarily handsome and Jethro loved the way his lips looked after being thoroughly kissed.  “You.  You love me.  You’ve loved me better than anyone has.”  Jethro wondered where the certainty of those words had come from but he knew they were true.

“You sound like one of those sappy holiday movies,” Tony smiled and nodded at the TV set that was still flickering the movie menu.  “You fall asleep during one?”  He was looking shyly hesitant. 

Jethro smacked him lightly on the back of the head.  “You gonna deny it?” He reached back to the coffee table to grab the remote and turn the TV off.

“Nope.  Just following Rule 3 – double checking what I’ve been told.” Tony then gave his broadest smile and Jethro’s heart swelled.  It was that smile and those wickedly charming eyes that had drawn Jethro to Tony in the first place all those years ago in Baltimore.  Seeing those eyes filled with this kind of trust and affection broke his final walls.  If Tony was brave enough to not deny Jethro, Jethro could no longer deny him.   

“Good boy.” Jethro smiled. “I’m not one with words, Tony, but I love you.  I may never say it often but know that it’s true.  I’ve waited far too long to tell you.”  Jethro bent down and kissed Tony again.  He hoped Tony could read his full meaning in the kiss.

Tony responded eagerly.  Jethro realized as bad as he was with words, Tony was probably worse, but truth was right there in Tony’s kiss replying to Jethro.  It was tender, arousing and full of love.  The feel of Tony’s hands warming themselves on Jethro’s back felt magnificent.   Jethro wanted to have all of Tony but Tony needed to know it wasn’t just physical.

Jethro pulled back.  “What happened with your dad?” he asked softly.

Tony raised his eyebrows.  “You want to talk about my dad now?”

“Not in depth…just didn’t think you’d come tonight.”

Tony grinned. “Oh, I plan to come tonight. If you’re serious about this, that is.”  Jethro recognized the teasing bravado that Tony wore in case this turned out to be some practical joke, but he recognized the real vulnerability that lay underneath that question.

Jethro smirked.  “Oh yeah, I’m serious,” he said.  He undid Tony’s tie and slid it off his neck.  He unbuttoned the first couple of buttons and began to mouth at Tony’s neck.  He nipped at Tony’s collarbone and felt Tony’s shiver.

“You like that?” Jethro asked.

“Oh yeah…”

“You want more?” Jethro nipped again.

“Yeah…”

“Then answer my question,” Jethro said as began to run a hand through Tony’s hair.  It was as soft as he remembered.

Tony chuckled.  “Short version okay?”

“More than.”

“Dad did it again.  He made other plans.”

Jethro froze.  Had Senior stood his son up once again?  He flushed with anger.

“You sure are hot when you’re angry,” Tony said, breaking the tension.  He smiled. “Thank you for being affronted on my account but don’t misunderstand me.  Dad did show up for dinner.  He was an hour late but at least he called.  Then he cut it short because he was grabbing a flight to Tahiti to meet his latest fling.  It worked out. I really wanted to be here but I also wanted to see him.  I got the best of both worlds, I guess.” 

Feeling a little mollified that Senior hadn’t completely disappointed his son, Jethro gave Tony a gentle kiss on the lips. “So where have you been?”  It was midnight.  Even if dinner had ended at 9:00, Tony should have been here before now.

Tony ran his hands up and down Jethro’s back until Jethro realized it was more of a reassuring gesture than an erogenous one.  “Traffic, weather…and I got a late start because I didn’t think you wanted me over – you know after today.  I also didn’t really want to hear…”

“I told you so?” Jethro whispered.  “I’m so sorry about that.  I was out of line.”

Tony smiled.  “Breaking Rule 6?  Wow.  This is a night of change.  But you were right after all. Dad’s never going to win ‘Father of the Year’.  I don’t know why I keep trying.”

“Because you love him,” Jethro answered.  “Don’t give up on him.”  Jethro knew it wasn’t for Senior’s sake that he decided to encourage Tony.  Tony needed him and Senior had improved in recent years.  Like Jethro, he was an old dog but he was learning new tricks.  Jethro wanted to give him every opportunity so long as Tony needed him to try.

“No.  Don’t think I could. I can’t help it.  He may be a rotten parent but he’s the only dad I got.  I still love him.”

“Don’t give up on me either,” Jethro said. “Even though I’m a bastard.”

Tony looked him and reached up to pull Jethro’s forehead to his.  “Never. You’ve always been there for me.  Sometimes, I even like it when you’re a bastard.  Within reason, of course,”  Tony said before kissing Jethro again.

This time, Jethro let Tony take control of the kiss.  Tony’s kiss was aggressive and strong and Jethro liked it.  Tony’s lips slid off of Jethro’s mouth to begin exploring Jethro’s neck.  His tongue mapped Jethro’s Adam’s Apple as his hands slid up his shirt to caress Jethro’s back. 

It was Jethro’s turn to shiver.  Tony’s hands, mouth and lips were amazing.  He was becoming very aroused.  Jethro began to slowly grind up against Tony’s waist.  Jethro heard himself moan in a way he’d never heard before.  He wanted more.  “Rule 5,” Jethro whispered, “I don’t want to waste any more time with you. You’re too good to waste.” 

Tony looked up at him. “Oh, Boss…er...Jethro you have no idea how good,” Tony said as he waggled his eyebrows.

“Are you all talk or do you want to show me,” Jethro teased.

Tony laughed.  “You asked for it, Boss.”  He suddenly stood with Jethro’s legs around his waist.  He walked towards the steps.  “Is the master bedroom made up or are we going to the guest room?”

“You’re taking a lot for granted, aren’t you?” Jethro asked, even as he began mouthing Tony’s neck as they walked.   

“Oh yes, I am breaking Rule 8 but that’s because it’s overruled by Rule 18.” Tony was breathing heavily by the time he reached the top of the steps.

Jethro wasn’t sure if it was the exertion of carrying him or the responses to Jethro’s explorations but Jethro loved feeling Tony’s warm breath on his skin.  He had to admit, he’d never been in a situation where he was the one being carried.  It was sort of nice.  Having Tony’s strong arms around him felt natural.  Jethro laughed. He couldn’t believe he’d waited so long to do this when it felt so good.   “No need in this case. Permission is granted before forgiveness is needed.  Guest room.  We’ll fix up the master tomorrow.”  As soon as the words left Jethro’s mouth, he swore he heard Kate saying, “Finally.”  Jethro didn’t care.  He knew it was right.  Jethro and Tony together in the master bedroom would finally make this house a home. 

For now, Jethro just wanted Tony to stay with him. 

Tony turned into the guest room and gently let Jethro down.  He began to kiss Jethro again before pulling away a little.  “Tomorrow, huh?  So this is more than just a holiday treat?  Something to reward me for being a good boy all year?” Tony asked with just a hint of uneasiness.

Jethro stepped back and looked at Tony seriously.  “Yes.  This is more.  I don’t want a one night stand.  I need more from you.  Can you handle that?”

Tony flinched and took a step backwards.  “You can’t handle the love,” he said jokingly in an imitation of Jack Nicholson, obviously trying to cover for his involuntary reaction. 

Jethro recognized the nervous response for what it was.  Tony was unsure of Jethro’s long term affection because he’d never experienced any before.  Tony didn’t believe he was worth anyone’s love.  He probably wasn’t sure he could handle it.  If Jethro had learned nothing else that night, it was the Tony was far more fragile than anyone thought.  He would do whatever he could to convince Tony he really was worthy of being loved.  For now, that meant convincing Tony that this wasn’t just about the sex.

Jethro sat down on the bed.  “Tony, I’m a hard man to love but I think you’re the right man to do it.  But I mean it.  This is it.  I’m not looking for one night, sometimes or when it’s convenient.  I want more from you.  I need more from you.  I need you home with me.  If you can do that, join me on the bed.  If not, you can sleep downstairs and we’ll forget this.”

Tony ran his hand through his hair in another nervous gesture.  Jethro realized he knew more about Tony’s nervous quirks than he knew of his previous three wives combined.  The silence seemed to stretched and Jethro thought Tony was going to bolt at any second.

As long as Tony remained in the room, there was hope.  Jethro spoke gently.  “We don’t have to have sex tonight, Tony.  I know I threw this at you.  But I want to try.  I’m pretty new at this caring and sharing thing with another man so I’m bound to screw up.  Don’t give up on me,” he added to remind the young man of his earlier promise, “and I will never give up on you.  You are too important.”

“I’m not good at long term,” Tony finally said.

“You’ve already been my partner for over ten years,” Jethro stated.  “I haven’t run from you yet.”

“Except for Mexico,” Tony whispered.

“Except for Mexico,” Jethro agreed, acknowledging his error. “That will never happen again.”

Tony nodded.  Jethro took that as an acceptance of his insufficient apology. “More importantly, you haven’t run from me.  I think we can do this.”

“Oh, yeah.  I guess in a way we have been together for a long time.”  Tony seemed to consider things.

Jethro wasn’t going to rush him.  He saw the moment that Tony made the decision to stay.  He seemed visibly relieved and the tension dropped away from his shoulders.

Jethro patted the bed.

Tony removed his shirt before joining him on the bed and then he kicked his shoes off and removed his socks.  “Sorry, I’m not the kind of guy that leaves his socks on,” he said nervously as he turned to Jethro.

“I’d rather you didn’t leave anything on tonight,” Jethro said as he pulled Tony down on top of him.  Jethro fumbled with Tony’s belt to slide his jeans off as they kissed. 

Tony began taking control of the kiss and Jethro let him drive.  He could feel Tony’s confidence building as he let Tony take them as far as he felt comfortable. Tony sat up and Jethro admired his body.  Tony pulled Jethro’s shirt over his head and then slowly slid Jethro’s pants. 

“What’s black and white and red all over?” Tony asked jokingly as he looked between his own black boxer briefs and Jethro’s more traditional white ones. 

Tony palmed his cock through his briefs and Jethro licked his lips.  Tony was promising to be well built there as well. 

“Our cocks grinding together in our underwear,” Tony whispered with a small chuckle as he lay atop of Jethro and began slowly thrusting against Jethro’s groin.

Jethro could feel himself hardening at the feel of Tony against him. It dawned on him they weren’t really prepared to take things all the way.  He just knew he wanted to be closer to Tony.  He needed to establish something with Tony tonight now that Tony had decided to stay.

“Tony, I don’t have…” he whispered. 

“We don’t have to do everything.  I’ve waited for this a long time, too.  Our hands and mouths will be enough for now.” Tony began mouthing Jethro’s neck and it felt so good. 

Jethro felt something in him melt when he heard Tony confirm his own feelings.  He had assumed it since Tony hadn’t objected but now he knew it was better to actually have words to match actions. 

Tony was very dominant and vocal as he licked and sucked his way up and down Jethro’s body. He nipped at Jethro’s nipples and ran his tongue around Jethro’s belly button before lowering himself.  Tony mouthed Jethro’s cock through the white briefs causing sensations which almost sent Jethro over the edge.  Tony then slid the briefs off of Jethro.  “Nice,” Tony observed aloud as he then removed his own briefs. 

Jethro’s eyes widened.  Tony was indeed a well-built man.  Tony stroked himself slowly.

“You like what you see, Jethro?” he asked.  “Is this what you’ve been wanting?”

Jethro nodded unable to form words.  Tony’s naked body was everything he had remembered.  He crooked a finger to Tony to get him back on top of him.

Tony smiled and began stroking Jethro’s sides as he kissed his way back up Jethro’s body.  He paused by Jethro’s nipples to suck on them more thoroughly.  Jethro enjoyed the soft warmth of Tony’s tongue on his skin and couldn’t wait to do the same.  It was clear that Tony was more experienced in this than Jethro was. He briefly wondered if there had been a few men sprinkled among those women earlier in Tony’s life.  Someday he would ask but for now Tony was his and he offered himself up to the man. He lost himself in the touches of Tony’s fingers and lips and the tongue that explored him thoroughly.  Every time Tony came back to Jethro’s mouth, Jethro would pull Tony tight against him and kiss Tony deeply. 

He never wanted to let go.  He wanted to reciprocate.  It was so hard to not flip Tony over and take over but he restrained himself.  There were plenty of nights ahead of them for Jethro to explore Tony’s amazing body.

Tony pulled away from another lingering kiss and whispered, “I want you to touch me, Boss.  Sorry, I mean Jethro.  Habit.” He grinned down at Jethro before rolling to his side.

Jethro laughed.  It was sort of sexy to have Tony call him Boss in bed.  He might let him do it again. 

“Roll on your side towards me,” Tony ordered softly. 

Jethro did as he was asked and found himself face to face with Tony, their faces just inches apart.  Then he felt Tony take his hand and place it on his cock.  Tony was impossibly hard and the hot, velvety texture of his cock felt perfect in Jethro’s hand.

“Just our hands tonight, Jethro. Together.”

He felt Tony take hold of his cock.  The large hands slowly, but firmly, stroked and twisted gently. Jethro thought he’d never felt anything so good.  They soon found a rhythm that worked.  The two of them lay there looking into each other’s eyes as they stroked each other with increasing pressure and speed. Jethro was surprised at how quiet Tony actually was except for his moans of pleasure.  Tony seemed to be searching for something in Jethro’s eyes so Jethro allowed him to explore even though it made him feel incredibly vulnerable.  It was intensely intimate as they gazed at each other quietly while they climaxed. Jethro came first since Tony clearly knew what he was doing.  Jethro had found himself mimicking Tony’s hand movements.  He had enjoyed seeing Tony’s climax almost as much as the affection in Tony’s eyes afterwards. Evidently whatever Tony had been seeking, he had found.

“Tony, you’re amazing.” 

Tony’s smile could have lit up the room at the compliment.  Why had Jethro not given him more reasons to smile like that over the years?

“You’re not so bad yourself, Jethro,” Tony replied with a wink.  He got up.

Jethro tugged on his arm.  Jethro didn’t want to let him go.

“Need to get a wash cloth,” Tony grinned. 

Jethro enjoyed the view as Tony ducked into the bathroom.  The return trip afforded another nice view.  He couldn’t wait until it was his turn to explore.  Jethro licked his lips as he watched Tony wash himself.  Tony then rubbed the soft cloth over Jethro. 

“Not to jinx this moment, but what really brought this on?” Tony asked softly as he washed Jethro off.

“It’s like you said – an old sappy movie – more although more like _A Christmas Carol_ than _A Wonderful Life_.  Grab the throw and come back here,” Jethro requested.

Tony pulled the throw off of the chest at the foot of the bed and draped it over the two of them as he lay back down half atop on Jethro.

Jethro pulled Tony tight so he was snuggled into Jethro’s arms.  Jethro ran his fingers up and down Tony’s back as they talked.

“You were watching _A Christmas Carol_?” Tony asked, looking up at him.

“No, I was watching _It’s A Wonderful Life_.” Seeing the confused look on Tony’s face he explained, “I found it the trash.”  Jethro rolled onto his side and Tony adjusted so they were face to face again.  “I was wrong, Tony.  I really am sorry about earlier.” 

“Wow.  You’re breaking Rule 6 again.  At this rate, there may not be any rules left by tomorrow morning.   We even broke Rule 12.” Tony laughed.

“My rules.  I’m allowed to break them.”

“Well then, God bless us, every one!” Tony said before kissing Jethro again.  “You know, I’ve always wanted to say that.”

Jethro smiled.  “Merry Christmas to you too, Tony.”     

 

\---

 

A strong wind blew outside and rang a set of wind chimes that someone had forgotten to bring in for the winter.  A neighbor walking their dog by Jethro’s living room window swore they heard a deep, gravelly voice ask, “Does that mean I can have my damn wings now, Shannon?”

 

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THE END

 

Hope you enjoyed the story!


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